1st rehearsal~

Well, today was much of a headache, literally and otherwise. Literally that, hey i am a little sick :x but yea~ im more or less good to go! ^^ otherwise...still trying hard to balance the performances. I promised that i'll make everything on my part good, i will. Rehearsal pretty screwed up cos i didnt prepare but the next one, i'm good to go for it~ mostly musicality problems, and the choreography but its all settled!! ^~^ and then the musical...damn. That's one hell of a problem. It'll take everything i have to settle this one... But like i said. I'll pull everything off perfectly^^

Here's to a someone, who forgets his position. Think he kind of forgot what my other self did him the other time, my current self can do double. I don't want to waste energy on dogs, jus a few words. I'm sorry my reddened face makes you angry, but i'm sorry i like it the way it is^^ spreading rumours about me, won't help you up. One day, if you really get whacked and nobody helps you, no damn surprise there...

And, you got me pretty damn worried. I know you have a lot on your mind, and the two to handle...but like i said. I'm always there for you, i'm in it with you. What you see, i'll guide you through but you're taking the lead. The dance, the musical. I will not allow a mistake on my part~

Somehow starting to miss some people in my life. Miss having them there...but i've already accepted that they're already gone. Its just that sometimes, i like to rewind those memories and get that sense of familiarity and security. But there's no more pain in the memories anymore, thank God. I moved on from all there people and each has their individual replacement, all better than the past but the past all still holds something special to me, especially one person.

Well, if you ask me, almost everything i do has a reason to it. Regardless its weakness in other's eyes, i do. And...there's a reason why i would hold back. I know i'm the kind to take a dive, but now, i'm wearing diving gear :P well not really~ just precautions. I know when it comes to things like love, i'm much weaker so hey, i'm not about to get used again like how i was the first time. And, i'm not willing to risk two hearts being broken. I admit, i have feelings there. I don't want anyone to be hurt... I don't want you to wait too long, i'm not really worth it. I'm more complicated than i look. Well, not complaining or anything but hey, i like me. I like who i am~ ambiguity is one of my strengths, the playing of clouding layers in a person's mind. I know how to play with another's mind if i wanted to...evident when i could change people using words. Heh... I don't want to play with another person. I've had enough guilt coming from that...back then in march holidays of 2012... :/

Someone asked me, ryan. Why you have so much to handle, and you can still smile and play around? I told him. Playing around is having fun, you cant be working all the time! And what more, it might be super busy but i love what i'm doing. Its a stressful kind of fun! And that...learning to love your circumstances is another. You could have the best job, but hate the working environment or the average job, but love it. That makes me smile for anything. The mounting pressure can be put on your head, slowly crushing you or under your feet, slowly lifting you up...

Just a short but meaningful day.

Quite a ... I just don't have the word to use. So many lessons taught...

Like this. Define the word, pride.

To me, it isn't about being proud. Being proud of what i can do, is well... Simply me. I just want to have a little fun~ to some, pride would be how well they can hide their emotions and how strong they would look. To others, pride might be what they are able to achieve without having to flaunt. But to me, i think that pride would be being daring enough, brave enough to reveal your emotions and still be strong enough to get back up and get stronger. There's honestly to me, nothing weak in being able to show emotions such as sadness, grief, anger...you get it. Someone is strong if he can hide his emotions, but stronger if he dares to show it to everybody. Pride shines in strength, never revels in weakness. To me, someone weak is someone who can do something about a situation now, no matter his position in it, but refuses to do anything about it. Someone who was knocked down by circumstances and chooses to cry at the very spot he fell when he has the power to get back up and continue again. That is weakness to me...never was it ever that someone couldn't handle something small, to overwhelming because if someone cries because of something overwhelming, well its overwhelming for a reason. It has threatened something or someone the person values. It was never that the person holds in her angers and frustrations for years and someone comes along to break everything down. It was not that she could hide her pain from the rest of the world and still put that sweet smile on her face, but the person who breaks and would prefer to curse the world and do anything but get up. That's as simple, and as complicated as that. I'm only disgusted by that.

Much like anger, why does it come about? Think. It comes because something or someone you hold dear is threatened or at stake, does it not? Nobody would get angry because something they do not care about is being laughed at. But if say, a girl's modesty, a man's pride, a child's dream is crushed, what could happen? The results could be of two things. Devastating or heavenly... The former for the obvious reason of revenge in any forms deemed sweet by the dealer, but the latter. That is the tricky one...not many people can be one to turn their anger and pain dealt to them into a force escalating their powerful want and need to help people in kindness, instead of hurting them in revenge. Because honestly, it always is easier to just deal and rant all that anger on someone else, and just tell that person oh suck it up because it happened to someone else. I don't want that. I try not to rant, i try not to flare up as much as i used to. I don't want to hurt the people i care for anymore no matter how much they will to me. It's not a matter of how much pain i was dealt, but how much kindness i am able to give in return. Pain is a temporary, but a never ending cycle if revenge is taken but the moment someone ends it with kindness, the cycle breaks. I'm ending it with me.

One more powerful lesson learnt today was about hatred. I've seen many that say they've hated this, they've hated that person. I mean hate in the form of, it's no longer pure anger but corrupt stains of twisted melancholy in ways it twists the mind beyond normal comprehension. Hate is extremely powerful... I've seen what hate can do exactly to a person's mind. My mind was of a sheltered weakling's, and when hate spread through my thinking, it was horrible. I nearly lost that fight to madness. Hate, to me is the dark negative of love. It changes a person inside out in the worst ways possible created by that person's mind. The darker the mind, the harsher the change. The only thing that could reverse my change was love, but then even that wasn't enough to get me back. To people who say they hate their life now, look carefully. You're in Singapore. Still want to hate your life when there are starving kids content with theirs? I didn't hate anybody, just myself. The ugly stain that was born into this value-less world with everything taken away from him. But now i thank my circumstances that i might not have a full family, a full family is really just a bonus. I used to pray for an easy life, the easy way out. Now i pray for strength to endure the worse, and the love in me to forgive.What matters is not the past. It is the present. The future is played by the hands of now...

Pride.Anger.Hatred.Love.

Oh, and i'm pretty tired of people looking at my surface and not what i will do for them...

Parents...they've done much more.

Ya'knw...every time i see somebody so fired up for something that they want, or something important to them, i get the motivation to simply push harder everyday. But that same motivation often wakes this...dark thing inside me. Hell, it wants its reddress to be seeked. Its grieviences to be repayed in kind, an eye for an eye. It is pretty damn powerful...the way it wants blood shed. I see its desire inside me...right beside who i am. The problem is...i don't know what i have to take revenge on. But whatever the thing is... When i find it, its not going to survive... :/ except , i'll be strong enough to take him on this time, and truly make him my asset this time. Alone.

A certain man's strongest words on the 4th of January, 10:40am:

"What have you done to earn the right to be sitting on this chair?"
"Nothing"
"Then why the arrogance written all over your face? It's not like you wanted to be here. I've been to other countries where kids are starving everyday , and you are here worrying what to eat. Look at these kids, if i told them hey you have a chance go to singapore to study, they would all raise their hands immediately. You have what they can only dream of. What you complain of that your parents give you, they can only dream about it. Tell me, who finds their parents annoying? When they nag and nag at you like a crow, squak squak all day long?"
*Whole room quietens,people tearing already*
"Who finds your parents annoying when they ask a lot of questions ? Now think. Did they find you annoying when you were a small little kid, asking them stupid questions everyday? No. Did they find you annoying when you played with the things they have? No. Who was there, when you were learning to walk and talk? Who was there when you spoke your first word, and your first fall? When you made a mess of everything, they would still clean up after you, still loving you. Now they make a small mistake and you raise your voice at them. Did they deserve that?!? You all think, teenagers. All the freedom and independance in the world. I should have this, i should have that. But who are you without your parents? Now think about this. Your mother carried you for nine months. She first found out she was pregnant, and was very happy. But as her tummy grew bigger, she found it hard to move because you became heavier.Her ankles swelled, she would get morning sickness. Her food, who does it go to first? You! Did you know, as you grow stronger , she becomes weaker? The calcium in your bones come from hers, that's why mothers have to take in more milk to balance for you. The humiliation of being checked by a doctor , just to see if you are okay. The pain of giving birth to you, to see you healthy. Did she ever complain for all the pain you caused her? Never in the intention of hate. And here you are, shouting at her. Remember, when you were small. You couldn't go anywhere without them, you always wanted to go out with them. Now you don't want to see them outside when you go out with your friends. They gave you the world, you give them your attitude. They nag because they are maybe the only few people who care enough to!Your father comes home after a long day at work. He is tired, moody and grumpy. And you make it worse for him by showing him even more your rubbish. He wants to sit down with you and the family for a dinner, but you are in your room eating infront of the computer. He wants to spend time with you, yet you find him an eyesore. When you are out, bothof you are using your handphones, not talking. What parent and child relationship?"
*People in the room is crying hard already*
Your parents are candles, the light to the darkness in your life. They hold your hand, guiding you through, making sure you get something. That when they no longer can burn, you will be able to burn for them, for the family, for the future. That you will be able to live on your own just like how the baby eaglet takes his first flight. Its going to be a bumpy journey, possibly a painful one. But all parents wants to see their children spread their wings and fly high.
That's what their love wants."

And...

"Anyone can be a daddy. But it takes a real man, to be a father. You are a male by birth, but you can be a man by choice. A female by birth, a lady by choice."
(Memory...may not be fully the same)
Can never forget those words.

I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. But i know, by being kind people will take advantage of that... People will play with my emotions. Time to put a stop...

I've gotten my needs and wants sorted out. I need to secure a good future. I want a good life. I need to get my priorities right, i want a girlfriend. I need to be able to take care of a family, i want a world famous career. More or less... A few.

Today's CIP was awesome...got a lot of donators, and even approached by a few groups from other schools cos they were impressed by the dance~ 4 groups of people approached me personally to compliment... XP felt pretty good! But am pretty beat...anways it was a satisfying day, amazing indeed. I felt...awesome^^

Next time people!^^

Cip for red cross~

Wrote this part of the post with you in mind.

I know that, it might seem impossible to reach something so high and so far in such a short time. You seem to be far behind and the goal is miles away. But like a famous preacher ever quoted, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. From me, limits makes your mind square. If you believe you are going to fail, so you will but if you choose to believe things will work, even if you don't get there in time, how far would you have gone compared to you sitting down there, crying, self pitying? If you get there in time, people will ask. How did you do it? How could you get so far in such a short time? People who hates you will hate you more, your friends will cheer with you. In the end, you gain and grow, and that's most important for now. Don't listen to what they say about you not being able to do it. It's always satisfactory to do something everybody says you cannot. Show the world you're more than that. Cry as you might, be remember to get back up again. Take as much time as you need to vent all that frustrations and pain that they had inflicted on you, but don't take forever to get back up. What they say, is nothing more than either a reflection of how they feel at that time or they want you to cheer up but don't know how to make you smile. You're not good enough yet. But you'll get there one day, if you want it bad enough. Thinking of what can go right, not what might go wrong.


Love is a funny thing isn't it? Its almost always one sided, or one side has to put in more effort to fight for the other in the first stages. If it fails here, the start of something light dies...
At the second, both are in the same level of love with each other, or somewhat there... And one idiot has to make a mistake and everything can go downhill. Why is it always like this? Relationships were built to stand a small mistake...unless its a big one. Unless one or both parties are unstable. So far, in my shoes, i've stuck in stage one a hell lot and hurt pretty badly every time and the furthest was the second :/ make it worse, i'm an idiot when it comes to this... Well~ shall let my heart pave the way and my brain stop me from walking blindly =.= i hope i won't be lied to in any ways...1 you said you couldn't spot any problems that might happen in a relationship to me? Now you will... :/ :(
I like this quote...Trying to force love is like trying to catch a small butterfly with your bare hands. Let it land on your palm instead... A friend said that to me today :)

Now up for the cip at orchard, then dance and guitar practice with the rest. Going to be a super heavy day~^^

Just can let out a small sigh.

You know when the reality came crashing down on my head...like a waterfall, torrential and pushing my head down. Honestly, i was actually a little unnerved and felt a little like just self pitying and crying. But this time i choose to stand up strong...I'll let me take the show.

I know that the PDS is important. Everybody is working hard, to get to the competition and the performance. One for all, all for one i get that. Heard that for four years but, this isn't the only performance i have. PDS terms, we have a whole team of 12 to coordinate and learn all the drills. I know you guys have little time left to do all that and to get into the top 20 or finalists, but i'm putting all the free time after school i have and all the energy for the day for it already. Nearly all my study time and rest time is used for PDS already. I'm running on fumes everyday,. I still have an uncoordinated musical with high difficulty and tough parts to learn, and a full dance routine that we have not choreographed perfectly yet. Pds is important, but so are all the other performances. I am already a part of the rest, i cant and won't back out. I only in essence, have two to four days left to finish up a musical and a dance routine. Only way to do it is to start my gears up from now. I'll have to...really put my health at risk this time. I don't care if i get aneroxia again. I sworn that i'll pull everything off perfectly. Late night practices, heavy wearing down won't be a joke. But hey, when it comes to mid year the same will happen. So...the appetisers are here. So now i know the life of a performer... Its always this highly stressed? Lets see. I'm a two month dancer attempting to match up to veterans with years and slight trouble with musicality,a single year guitarist coordinating a high speed performance that requires years of experience, and timings with 3 instruments. A 12 man performance which the whole team has learnt only the first sixth of the show. Two weeks?

Remember when i was much younger at 3...my grandmother brought my to this CC and being playful me, i walked up onto the stage in the empty hall. And my first thought, i'm gonna be performing one day. My first dream, and now it has come true... This one dream. Now i'm up there 12 years later on this same day, performing and living up my passions. The three performances, i said i'll do all of them. I'll pull them off perfectly in style, just you watch. I'll make damn sure all of them go the way i need it to. Just watch me.

Haish...i really swear i could only survive this whole day with you on my mind. At the very least, your name kept me going stronger and faster, yeap. I found myself thinking of you more, and i have to be honest. I never imagined a day i would be scared of losing you. I guess, this time i'll take a fall again. I'll let my feelings flow again...anyway i'm ready again after the first heartpain. I know...and i hope i won't get hurt again. Even if i do, i still have some things behind this smile to help me through the most painful times. Certain abilities i earned from my split...

Heh. Tomorrow is my CIP at orchard road, wonder how its gonna turn out. Public dances and performances maybe... If tomorrow i still have the energy to. Still have dance and musical practice. All what i love to do, but i'm a little tired ^~^ i've gotta take a night off...All i can do is sigh , keep my head up with a smile from inside and keep walking^^

Darkness to light.

Based on experience, and my own knowledge, i know that period of 20th July all the way down to the 20th of October was a good three months of literal living hell in my shoes. Everyday was feeling like... I just wanted to die.
My emotions were uncontrolled. Literally...i could be high as hell and suicidal in the next second, and back up high. You thought your mood swings were bad? Mine was much much, worse. Imagine the feeling of striking a million dollar lottery then hearing the news of a death the next instant. That range...My thoughts...i would hear voices everyday and i became very suspicious of everybody around me... The voices were telling me to keep away from them because they would harm me and occasionally a dreamy feeling. And worst of all, i had pockets of empty memories, which sometimes my friends would ask me why i was not myself. I did somethings that my friends knew i would never ever have done.Did my research, i found serious horrors. I had almost all the symptoms showing in schizophrenia, bipolar maniac disorder and disassociative identity (split personality) .top it off, i was a very weak person emotionally. Sheltered life, you get the point. Contemplated, and nearly commited suicide a few times to escape my own head...every day you know, i would feel like a timebomb. I could just go insane anytime. How damn hard it was every minute. 17th September was the limit. I nearly went insane in class and lost half of the day's memories. I skipped school next day to go down to IMH to get myself checked...the appointment never came. But somehow some what, i actually started recovering. Until the 20th of october, it was nearly all over. All i was left was a small remnant of the split personality...and Leroy pulled the real me out. He made me who i am now. I survived probably the toughest part of my life up till now. I've came out a lot stronger and a lot wiser...albeit with a little aftermath of that war inside of me, leaving me with strange scars in my eyes for those who can see.yep. Just a brief view of what happened to me, the general event! Details are really much more...horrible. But to be truthful here, without her with me back then i would have killed myself long time ago. If after reading this you find me crazy , or weird or anything, i'll let it be up to you. I dared to bare my story.

And because i held on, i got to meet someone. She's really pretty sweet, innocent. Have this weird feeling about her...nothing bad~ just that i feel she's still a little kiddy xP but she could make me feel even better than the first. I'm hoping the feelings are really mutual...i dont want to be the only person playing a song for two!!! :( like yeah... Its not like just any silly crush. Okay maybe it is, but it took quite a while to really have my feelings for anybody kick start again. Think i was too far hurt...and now the light feeling of falling in love is back... So yes!! I'm feeling super good! Hai...what else could i wish for? I somehow feel this. Its more than worth the effort fighting for this one~ she makes me feel happy...there're so many other factors...i'll take my time to learn all of these so hopefully none of us will be hurt... :( i dont want to hurt anyone anymore.

On the wasted trip from nex, so much ran through my head. I felt...weird. Two quotes kept coming into my head...
"Where else do you want to go when the only place you can be is better?"
And a long one...

"They're the people i love. I'll kill the bastard who hurts them. If he cuts off my arms, i'll kick him to death. My legs, i'll bite him to death. Cut off my head, i'll stare him to death. If he gouges out my eyes, i'll curse him from the grave. Nobody, touches the people i love"
Just kept replaying about certain things i've lost... Hai :/ also...to cherish the people and things i have before they're gone...

Well...i dont know why i do honestly. But yep...its me. I'm weird and i'm loving it^^ well, i'm playing the role of the hopeless lover again... -.- ryan you idiot...

Mayday Mayhem

" I know
You're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting, go
Of the nights we shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room, he stares)
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay"

This song lyrics express what i wanted to say for the longest time. Its up to interpretation, but to me, i'll somehow end up needing someone there by my sid...

Just a very tired me

Now that i think of it, i have no time till CNY. Well, PDS performance is a headache which is a 10 man coordinated performance, half being new... My dance which is semi finished and me as a burden being the most junior, and the musical with the pianist having trouble ...its pretty...hectic. Thats the only word to use. I'm not going to go all out...i have to slowly build up instead ^^ then a week before, hardcore practice. I'll switch to my exam fever for highest efficiency,where i can survive for almost two weeks eating only a meal everyday. At the cost of my health but yea...the performances is on the 8th. And there's a competition on the 16th too. Shall i play by dangering myself? Definitely. Times like this, i can only go all out and the hardest i can. But...i need to be careful not to get aneroxia again... Great. I'm gonna be nagged at very soon... But, dance pds and the musical performance are all my passions. I get to do what i want while enjoying my life~ so hey, its worth it!

And, i still can let my desires run free~ silly me. I'm still almost always looking out for that one person...have i found her? I certainly really hope so. I'm a blind when it comes to love...but yes. I still wanna play in this risky field. Every now and then, i have this small urge to want to hold somebody tight, make that tiny fear inside me go. I still have fear...and sometimes all i wanted was someone beside me. Odd? That feeling comes only when i'm surrounded by people. When i'm alone, just that sometimes i feel alone, small in a huge world but head held high and a rebellious smirk^^ its just me~But still, hey. I want someone to lean on emotionally, someone to call my own too!

i found out this about myself. i always find the harshest way to cut to the centre of a problem... And when it comes to people i care, i really care to my hardest. But to the people who done me wrong, i realised i would do double the pain, triple. It's something related to my past...i still remember. The first emotion i learnt was anger, then hate. Imagine, a four year old boy already speaking about hate and anger, how he was to get his revenge. But the first good emotion was really learnt last year July the seventeenth,Love. Always will be a special date... Of course that month and the next was pretty ugly. But i climbed out with the support of people~ and yes. It's a nice balance...perfectly. I still hold this habit of being unbelievably skeptical of whoever i meet for the first time... I'll watch the person the hardest as if i was giving judgement :x just that...its something i could never let go until today. Especially, if that person is a flirt, a player, or i just somehow know some things that might cause me to distrust them. Also when i can't read the person's eyes quickly... Those cause me to pretty much, be judgemental of the person. Never to put the person down, but to make sure i'm never hurt the same way again ^^ i'll keep all that to myself...i'll never share the judgements. But the moment my heart passes the verdict of someone untrustable, i slowly drift away. If not...up to my feelings to run wild where they like ^^

damn. I'm really really tired...fingerstyle and the dance took a huge chunk out of me. I don't know how long i can stay up... But i promised .I'll do my best to fulfill every last promise.

Notes of Love playing~

I look happy and smiling and laughing always...but deep down. Really deep down inside, i am too. I don't know, i got questioned by an elderly just now. He made me think, and my answer made him reflect too~

He asked me; "Boy ah, you look very tired. But your eyes look very happy. Why ah?"

Well...i really did get stumped for awhile :x no hiding that~ he asked when i was alone...
I don't know. I just had this... I live everyday doing what i love to do for a future i know i can fight for to my fullest, for people i love to protect them. I sworn...to fight for those people? Hell yes. I will and to the furthest extent. Aaron taught me this, and i really agree. Blood is thicker than water, but loyalty is thicker than anything. Damn bloody true. Family by blood is as important as family by bond. Be it my real family, my brothers, that one girl, that one teacher, whoever that stays. Blood family, or bonded family. The people that stay is what matters. Then his next question... "Then what if everything you're doing now fails, and you lose everything that you earned?"
I caught him off guard ^^

"I lived everyday knowing i won't have any regrets even if it were to mean i'd die today".

Am i really that silly when i said that? I don't know. Yes or no, i know i can. He gave me weirdest look i've seen on anybody's face, and his third and most powerful came along.

"So you might do all these but what if the people turned away, walked away from you?"

I could only say one thing...
I'll give my best to those who stayed. Those who left shall be a lesson, the ones who stay shall be my blessing.
He was a regretful person...he looked me deep in the eye and asked me, how old are you? Sounds a little dramatic? It is :x but i feel pretty good after. He couldnt believe i was 15...

You know, after awhile anger and sadness, all those negative emotions became foreign to me. Feels like first times feeling them everytime. I've got nothing to earn from hiding, nothing to lose from giving. I rarely feel tired... I rarely feel down for longer than 5 minutes(unless something serious affects someone important) . Yep...maybe in the next post i'll post about that period during the presence of the disorders...the difference in emotions was worlds apart. When the darkness nearly took my life a few times,my light looking for a crevice to shine but now that same darkness are just small whispering shadows^^ looking for a place to hide. To make it better...i could look at the people of my past who held the highest importance to me, in the eye and not feel anything anymore. Moving on from someone feels...liberating. Amazing...and now that empty space is taken up by someone else. The light playful feeling is just... :)

Actually i do have one, and only one regret. Its more of a reminder everytime...how to treat a girl proper :P that's my biggest spur and best motivation^^ but its a good one anyways~ its kinda weird. Everything started looking up as i started letting go of you. And now when i've fully let go, everything to me...seems perfect. I want to share that...

Sweet sunday...

I'm pretty much a strong fanatic over certain things. I mean like, hey. I've seen what some people can do, what they really really can't. Personally here, i dislike it when they underestimate what they really can do. No opinions meant, but yeah... Just wish that for some of there people i could be the one supporting them but i know i'll never have the chance, let alone the want to help them... It's just me. I like , and will want to help whenever i have the chance to...

Today was really a hell of a day. Awesome maths tuition, then all the way from 3.30 to 8 Me Aaron Glenson were just pure dancing. It was amazing... I'm still the most junior, much cleaning up to do but hell, i'm gonna get there soon. I only have 3 weeks left to the performance. We damned attracted a pretty huge crowd to watch! Kept asking why were there three boys dancing, and most walked away with a smile on their faces ^^ felt damnn good i swear to be able to entertain and make anybody smile!And a lot of time to gather my guts for that... >\\\<
Then you messaged. Had to make me feel so embarrassed...just a little confused why you would say i'm interesting when it comes to love :/ i mean...but if there is one thing i want to hold strong, certain boundaries...i don't want those boundaries to be crossed until i am more ready... Well i might be at the best point of my life, but i don't want a waste of time. This time, i foresee something weird...And this part of me! Never ever fails to watch down to the smallest detail about the things i look out for... And of course certain insecurities. I don't ... Need some memories to be kept on replay.
Since my memory for events is really powerful...

Ever since leon, i had guitar. Ever since aaron glenson bryce mikael, i'm hooked on dance. My heaviest commitments... Relax and work at the same time!!! Damn...but tonight i cant have either. Body condition pretty terrible now...heavy headache and high fever -.- but i'll be fine by daybreak...i'm not that weak^^ i have to be down to school tomorrow no matter my body condition. Yep... Thats a suicidal me...

A man taught me this today. You needn't fight for someone that didn't stay. Because now matter how much pain was caused, if the love was real, that person would stay. Now i see...
And a small kid showed that the harder you fall, the stronger you rise. Well...i've got that. A dream to be world reknowned. I'll make it happen one day.

Last quote!!
Don't stop when you're down, because life truly stops only when you're dead.
Dare to dream, dare to believe, dare to try. Because regrets are best starting with an Ohwell than What if.

Simplicity

"The lazy curling fog,
The enduring pain that flows.
One boy's silly dream to love and protect,
His desire to always make it go.
He chose this path of destruction,
Nobody to lean.
Yet when anyone else needs a heart,
It somehow ends up being him.
He loved the world far too much,
He kept his pain all sprung up inside.
Until one day a spark blew him up,
And nearly took his life.

One stupid mistake, a fatal flaw.
Yet in a second, it took all.
A hard built tower, a proud castle.
But a word knocked it down.
Love was elusive to him,
Never had a say.
But one good day when it hit him,
Cupid shot at the wrong face.
Dregded him in hellish nights,
Grounded him in devilish days.
He needed to be strong and he really tried,
Yet that love still burned him inside.
He done all he could,
He knows of her effort and pains.
He tried to get her back,
But still it was all in vain.
Now things have changed,
He watches high above all.
He plays among the grasses,
And disdains the excusers.
Another baby who learnt to crawl,
Just a lover who tried giving his all.
A man's vow to heal,
And shame those that let themselves fall.

Now that path became a highway,
Not to heaven but to hell.
Eyes closed in faith,
They know where it'll lead.
Because the mighty isn't blind,
Justice isn't dead.
A belief that one day he'll be justified,
And his reddress shall come to light.
His grievances shall be repaid,
And returned everything he lost.
He watches the world amused,
With his dearests by his side.
There's but fun in solitarity,
But there's the peace he always wanted.
Even if the world bears on him now,
He'd never let up.
A lesson learnt in disgust,
But everything now belongs to the past.
A lover's life strayed to the fore,
Yet a believer's heart strapped to the floor.

There's no arrogance in a crumbling wall,
Just like when everyone falls.
But every boy and ever girl,
One day hopes to find their life.
The one to walk the rest of their journey,
Not minding who they were.
But really looking to tomorrow,
And willingness to give their all."

And yes. I've just caught feelings...and to whoever it might be concerned, i'm scared... But hell i'm ready to take another leap of faith.

Aeon trip:CNY and...deep thoughts

I'm down to aeon in jb!! I have no idea why my parents would drag me all the way out of singapore just to do shopping :( nooooo i prefer to stay in my snuggly bed XD its raining somemore...
Aeon aint half bad here ^^ quite the spacious mall, but yea...its pretty much similar to KSL near legoland!! Which reminds me. Is it that cold today? My brother was freezing =___= yeap his arm was like a block of ice grrrr :(

Go shopping, achievement unlocked!!! I LIKE SHOPPING =_____= shopped for sooo many hours... Legs aching :( i have a weak spot for shopping...i rather climb mountains for twice the time spent here, or study thrice!!-.-" well MSia has some weird things... Parked for a good 7 hours, parking fee only 1RM XD :D and the horrible trick trolleys. The wheels uh...one is smaller than the others -.- irritating ! Keep jerking!!! Hai and the day passed pretty quickly~ saw alot of pretty girls eh!!! XP ^^ heard my father and bro going for midnight movie CZ12 but nah...i'm pretty sleepy ^~^ and tomorrow, going out to some mall for public dance!! Goshhh this is nerve wrecking... But its for the big day~ i know someone is going to die of embarrassment!!! I wonder who am i going to do it to... >\\\~\\\< ASDFGHJKL

Heh. Spoke to some people yesterday for the first time. They were quite the interesting bunch especially one. She was quite the cutie XP well, she was probably the first to show that age does not define maturity xB she could tell me things i would NEVER have thought of!! Talked to her pretty late into the night...then ofcourse slept and woke up to today!!
Having dinner but no appetite at all. I found myself yearning for home and for you... I don't know. I guess i'm pretty tired that's why i'm like this? But yeah...found myself thinking of you whenever i had the chance. Hais...

Saw the guilt in my brother's eyes when i played 'Stay' to him. I'm useless as an elser brother....i could have done something to save them. I didn't...his pain is my guilt. I should have done something when i could have... I want to protect everybody. But now its just a mere illusion... I said i'll kill the bastard who hurts anyone i love, but what if that person is myself? Its been awhile...anger and sadness feels really foreign to me. I'm useless...i can't even protect my younger brother.

Here's a category. Courage, admirable courage, insane courage ,unbelievable courage and plain stupidity. Which are you?

Its nice to...once in a while

I don't really get what happened to me two nights ago night. Memories maybe? Still grappling with letting go?~ let myself fall into this state of negativity but hell there had to be those idiots who cheered me up straight away!!! I don't know, but all these time after AKTLG, i never really felt...tired before. Even last night, the first one was not at all serious~

I wanted to try the suit! Now i realise i'm only a blazer short...YES ^^ kena scolded for that XD but it was well worth it^^

hmm. The past week has been quite a tiring one~ taking its physical toll on me heavier than i expected but hey, i'm still going good!

Today uh...it was pretty good ^^ aaron and bryce brought me out onto the parade square to dance out. Learnt how much i could do, and my ankle power set me up for some of the most destructive but sweet moves. The kind that if i don't get it right, my knee or ankle will break. Yep~ i dared to go faster, bigger and stronger.
I dont know. Maybe its me taking a few things for granted, that between guys everything'll blow off as a joke. Yeap...feel like i lost a brother. Maybe not to him, but to me. Wondered pretty much the whole day, would i be able to attack? I don't know, i don't want to. Haiz...

I find myself, always too soft to be able to really hurt anyone. I dont like that...but if i have to kill to help, i will.

I still am a little afflicted by a few things but hey... I'm really really not in the position to say somethings sometimes. But, in those that i do, i do what i like to. I play around, i might be louder and i'll never ever be proud to those who never done any bad to me... but if it has to come down to any of them being in trouble, i'll be there definitely. Especially a few...

I have a soft spot for nice girls... -.- haha!! XDXD but its just me~

Like any others, just a tweak to fear

Today was really odd. I had my feelings tweaked towards fear more often than usual. This stupid feelings of fear and disgusts kept on coming back, grr especially the fear part. You know...when you take the time to settle down and things catch up with you? You feel this sour fear, your shoulders bend in. You just want someone to hold you, tell you things to make that fear subside. Well, i was scared. I felt alone all of a sudden. I mean, its nice being single but i feel i do better with someone by my side. I always have this urge to find a partner, probably because of my situation. I really missed having someone to hold so my heart could settle. Gone through the fear, came out stronger. Today also showed me that i can do without someone else, but still this urge remains. But, this is also my propelling drive that pushes me forward, harder and faster. A risky move but i know i will reap huge, huge rewards.

And then, really found out how some people are really damn bloody spoilt brat -.- you know, they're in a better condition or a better situation than anybody else but there they are complaining about their life. Their parents. I really scolded some of them, made them wake up. I asked some of them. What did you do, to deserve and demand everything you have, to be standing here while someone else born on the same day is in a porvetised country? Most people forget that one line. What did they do to be able to demand all that? Some small things that happen, and already they scold FML or i hate my life. I'm someone who doesn't want to see any of his friends fall. I meant, not ANY one of them especially a group of them. But its getting kind of annoying to keep pushing someone up who keeps going down again.

And then...after yesterday's training, i realised that training a team might not be easy but if you've got the guts and the tact, no team problem is unsolvable. It might be one's problem but as a team, the whole team should...should help out. Definitely. Its a team for a reason. The next few teams coming are the PDS,FSD and the part C's. Main worry in the part c, wanna make sure all of them will do well in taking over the unit.

Things that made me smile was...getting to play with you today. I dont know, got to spend a little more time with you confused about my feelings...quite spread out and to afew people but it'll clear up soon i hope! And fairytale. My first official song...love song much. And being able to say certain things out... :DD also...it doesn't matter how much coal is around me. I know, i still have diamonds shining with and for me. I love those people

Time to finish up fairytale...the song with most of my dreamy emotions coming up! Makes me feel good again~^^

Where is happiness found?

Just a generalization. A HUGE, HUGE generalisation with no intent of directing it at anybody or offending anyone. (In case any idiot reads this and doesn't get what i just said, its a disclaimer XD)

Happiness. Its a word on its own, but that 9 letter word holds so much in meaning and depth. Different people have different ways of finding it, but its true everybody wants their happily ever after.

I found a few groups of people finding happiness in different ways. Some find it in love, where finding a girl or guy of their dreams that loves them in return makes them happy. Some finds it in pursuing their dreams until it comes true, a living fairytale. Some find it in as simply helping other people and seeing their smile, others find it in pain. But whatever and where ever they find it in, it's happiness to that person.

But how far is someone really willing to go for that? Some wallow in self pity for months, for years just to get the one they lost, back. Some throw themselves into utter humiliation in order to get to where they want to be. Others would prefer to live the kind of life they always dreamed of. Maybe i'm too young to say anything. But i did observe something from my years of watching people fight for theirs. Most of them have a clear answer of what they want, but the moment you ask them, what for? They end up speechless.

They want happiness for that period of time. I mean, like honestly. They have been through this period where they think they would get the thing that they have been dreaming of and then the story ends there in, time stops and there. A fairytale is born. But if you ask these people why they are fighting for it, especially at my age, there's the usual response. I don't know, or they give a weak response which can be easily destroyed.

I mean, hey. I've been there once. I'm still stuck there for a few things (-.-|||). I thought making someone belong to me was all i needed. Love was all i needed to get through this whole passage of life, i'll die happily ever after. Then, a man came along... He made me see what ,to me, real and true happiness was. It was to be able to say everyday:"I would have no regrets if i were to go today".It was really waking up each day and having a purpose for that day, for a goal for something greater than myself. I realised i find the most joy in protecting the people around me, and taking care of them. My family, my friends, my brothers, that one girl.(Traits of my grandmother...i'm one hell of a naggy guy...) .Happiness is not something be faked, but something that shines from inside. He said:"You become yourself when no one is around. All the masks fall, and then your true self appears"
Lets be honest. How many people, when alone are really smiling? I know i am...even when i wake up, i feel great and ready for everything, to see everyone again. To handle the day with, well pretty much a confident me. It feels different when this motivation comes from inside. Everything starts looking up for you, people see you differently(or is it me seeing everything differently?) . I can laugh things off even though they hurt as hell, i'm suddenly able to be the one motivating people. I even got stared at because people thought i was crazy for smiling in public!(Shows how sad our society is...everyone goes out with a frown. Noticed that?)

To be honest, i had a funny dream. It showed two of me, one an old,bent wise grandfather and a cheerfully skipping grandchild. Both of them were standing on both ends of a golden weighing scale. To me, its a balance of things inside me. A perfect balance. Deep down, because of a few people who were really beside me, i found this coming from inside me. I finally got to be me.

Maybe this is my version of a happily ever after. But there's this one thing i can NEVER change about me. When it comes to loving a girl, i become the biggest fool for that girl...and i'm about to become one tomorrow!

So, what's your version of happiness?

Cca recruitment

Hell of a day today! Cca recruitment was a blast :p so many people streaming about, but before the setting up was simply horrible :( my body was already badly strained and i still went in to help~ but hey, it was fun! But one thing. I shouted and shouted, spun my rifle so damn much. Now ah...whole body pain!! :( came home kaboom collapse on my bed >< god it was heaven when i touched down!!!!' xDDD got almost 50 people!

Night came , family dinner. It was rarely so lively and had such a family warmth... I felt it. I was gratified ^^.

I dont know what happened...suddenly this thought of you being with someone else hit me. I felt that sour fear again...urgh :( maybe i care too much for someone who won't give the same anymore? Then your message came in, made me think about a lot of things... I guess you're right. Haiz... I might be stronger than who i was, but the fear still sorta affects me :( past few days, a funny mix of the sweet and sour feelings.

Well, late already. Tired , wanna sleep^^ tomorrow's a ceremony for me, award! And next week,..painfull week coming up!! :(

A rare day.

Hellishly tired. Hah~ day started with the dumbest pt as usual ^^ burn myself in the sun and yes i come home darker than always. Did with Gordon, it was rather amusing to see myself tire to quickly. 2 hours passed so quickly!! Had to go set up our booth for NCC! I felt much...i dont know, rapport? Maybe it's just me but it's always gratifying to see everyone working together in such unison...

Got a roller table!! Let Mikael sit on it and i just ran across the parade square XD ofcourse that was for the SJ so left it with them~ Me and malcom had the chance to go up to the 4th floor to take down the biggest banner we had and threw it over :D nearly hit someone -.- alot of physical work, had so much fun. Got down to perfecting my double to quadruple toss, and my forward toss, and the self venting pt. Vented all my frustrations of past and yes, i'm ready to go further now. Faster, stronger and better. I feel like a new person ^^ .

Rain came in weird...came and went. Was playing with my wife with mingyang and jiansheng ^~^ taught MY one handed spin ^^ of course i nearly destroyed my body with the intense pt but hell it was fun! I could just lie down and relax...let my tensions just go away. Almost 5+ 6pm? Trisha weiyun eiting tried out spinning as well! Haha weiyun could get the thing right immediately while trisha and eiting had to take a little more time... Had most fun trying to teach the few :P and honestly, they all look kinda weird with the spinning...how to explain? Kinda cute? Teehee!! Laugh at them quite alot!

Just learnt so much from today. Weird uh! Everyday i'm seeing something now to learn from! I suddenly could turn away from the things that were holding me down. But still one thing that holds me down is my promise to myself. Urgh...to make sure you were always okay~ always breaking that promise. Grr~ i mean hey, its a promise and i try my best to upkeep all my promises~

Today is really a rare day. I rarely can be so relaxed around friends and people around me in that level i was. Lying down and squeaking? Well yeah... i felt happier than usual.

"They say, if someone is important to you, or still means something, tell them fast. You'd never know when their feelings for you will change for the worst"

A weird day in many ways~

Well. Today's the kind of day where you're pretty much tired and still feeling excited, you know that weird feeling? Not the only weird feeling tearing into me today...

Right after the O's cert ceremony, i became unbelievably high. Finished a chinese chess game in 3 minutes and...21 pullups in 2 minutes. Went absolutely crazy...then indefinitely tired. Still rather hyper for upcoming events, but just physically tired ^^

For once. I looked you in the eyes again, and this funny feeling came up to me. I felt this strong urge to want to just go up to you and hug you, yet a sense of dread too. How do i explain...it just made me kinda off balance for a short while. My head wanted to take a step forward but my heart denied me a step backwards.So, i asked around, what to do what to do~ . Back at geog class, someone shouted your name again. My only reply was, "not worth the effort anymore"
A dear friend told me this sentence right after: "If you really loved someone, it doesn't matter if they are worth it, but how much effort you put in for them"
He made me think... And really really think hard. I realised that, i didn't really do much or put in much effort before. Another regret there~ but yeap. Since you've already let go, no amount of effort can bring the drifted back. Its like trying to fly a kite with no strings yeah? If its meant to come back, it will find itsway back into your hands. Since his words hit me, figured i should only be moving forward and not being stuck in the past. Everyday, just becoming stronger emotionally and mentally. One day, i can use my emotional drive as and when i want to, since its my most powerful boost from inside me. That day is coming faster than expected~

shall leave a few words i saw throughtout the day, presented to me in the many forms.

"Love is boundless, limitless and powerful enough to change the world, what more two people in love?"

"I'd rather regret saying 'Oh well' than 'What if'"

"Love a man who planned a future with you, love a lady who stays with you no matter what"

"Sometimes the pieces of life fall nicely into place, but without that one piece the puzzle will never complete"

"The most faithful of hearts suffer the most pain, but also enjoys the most bliss"

"Learn to tell who wants the best for you, and the best from you"

"If that's the person you truly love, stop thinking you're not fit to be with her, and start being the man for her"

"Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, to be harsh to love"

"Cherish what you have, or regret what you had"

"Life is a game, play or get played. Enjoy the game, everyone loses in the end anyway"

A final farewell?

Okay~ its the end of the period of harsh feelings for you. In a way, i done what i set out to do at first, and then my boorish heart got caught in the way. My aim fr the start, was always to make you get over him and then slowly go away. Well, wishh granted. But sometimes i feel, doing so much for someone, i don't get anything in return. But now i remember, i did it because you became someone i wanted to protect as well... And i might not have gotten much in return from you, no complaints there. You being there for me and making me want to live was a rare gift itself. I gained much from myself. I learnt how to become so much stronger, and suddenly i'm finding myself cutting to the core of every situation. I'm glad you've gotten over him and became okay, well its my turn to find someone else as well~ no point waiting for someone who's already moved on.

Get why you were so cold to me. Well, i have nothing against that and am not angry anymore. But you showed me you didn't even want to be friend, hah then alright, i shall go by you.

So many memories. Parade square confession, f1 weekend, the many weeks to a friends place and town, the skulduggery book. Now, just a place i look back to and laugh. Hell, i might miss the feelings and memories but now...i'm finally strong enough to have my feelings with me, and still stand alone.

Just any other guy.

"There was all the hot guys out there, the muscular and sexy guys. The boys who'd make any girl's heart run wild and the rich princes, the cool and mysterious guys there too. Then, There was me. I'm your typical nerd, perhaps lesser than average in the looks department,hiding behind the set of thickest spectacles and a horrible,horrible person when it comes to girls. Lets just say, the next closest girl i know is probably only my sister who's a beauty in her school and rather not acknowledge me sometimes. Girls were never my world."

"Okay, where was i. Oh yes, me in school, the quietest lot and the fool sitting behind at the back of the class. To be honest, i'd always feel like a hero whenever a girl calls my name, but the only girls other than my sister were my teachers. Yep, that's how bad i was. Now you know a little more about me, time for my class. Class clown? Nah. More like the class tortured. I can't even be labeled the butt of jokes! But i took them well...i would laugh along sometimes. What can i do? Arghsdfgjklll."

"Okay. One pretty day God decided to take a dump on me. Or at least that was what i thought. A new girl transferred into our class last summer. Oh boy was she an eye-opener...her wavy,long hazel hair and the sweet smelling shampoo she used. Her beautiful blue eyes and her sharp features...damn she's a bombshell too! All the defining curves, the most important being her smile of course and she has a name as pretty as her looks. What was it...oh yes, Kaylene.She was the school butterfly, straight away having the other girls fawning on her and the so called "Macho" guys chasing her. Tell you the truth, i couldn't be half bothered. Weird right? Well, what could you expect from a geek like me? Geek for geeks!"

"Well, i never had a bigger shock since knowing i was born.(Well its a torture to be me, and around me) and now i know she's a geek too. MY TYPE. Well, all boys will one day come to an age where things fly and they dream high... To be with a girl, to find a girl. They call it, 'First Love' .oh hell yes. Even i could catch it. I fell in 'Love' with this girl. Oh she loved to study, a same interest as me! For the first time! But for her? She only noticed me because i was the only guy who couldn't give a damn about her. She spoke to me...oh my GOSH. HER VOICE... She sounded like an angel. A strange sensation punched my face. It felt hot...and it was weird. This girl, in front of my face!!! Oh dear...where's that giggling coming from? "Hah, he looks redder than a baboon's ass" oh my god...i'm screwing up infront of a GIRL!!"

"Because of her, i had to match up to those 'macho' boys. Urgh. I changed my high overalls and high socks to long sleeves and ankle socks. My specs became contacts, and my books became my handheld games. God. But for her!! I'll not miss this chance! The FIRST girl to notice me! I became proud, arrogant. My head was stuck with this girl. It was tiring trying to keep up... She was fast, moved with all the hot guys around school much...i pretty much had as much chance as a monkey re-writing shakespeare. But! Someone told me to have this, con...con fee...confidence! I'm actually happy someone TALKED to ME.Okay! Now, the next move! I shall do a hopeless, leap of faith!!"

*The Next Day*
"I'm at the school grounds...like any other of those idiots waiting around for their girlfriends or boyfriends. And there's me! I'll show her that i'm daring! Kaylene skips down the stairs...oh how her hair trails behind her in such perfection. My eyes were just two hearts now... Awwwwww . She makes me go crazy!! There she is! She's coming over now! Now is my chance!! And i did the dumbest thing infront of the whole school. Leap of faith? Yeah. Got crapped on by God as well."

"KAYLENE! I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!"

"Oh boy"

"She stormed up to my face, gave me the weirdest look her eyes coud muster and hissed, "I'm sorry, but i actually am not interested in guys, and have a girlfriend already THANK YOU..." and just walked off! Pretty nice of her to leave me standing there alone with the whole school laughing at me and cheering for her! I felt by face burning yet again..."

"I'm back to being me again. If you ask me, i'd say God's plumbing system broke at the wrong time. But hell, it was fun! I learnt too...its tiring being someone else. I'm in love with myself, and me being a geek. No need for another AWESOME rejection again!"

Oh dear. Inspired by my parade square confession!

To my dearest teachers.

All the greatest thanks to my school teachers. They were able to handle a wastrel like me! Well i'm a to-be millionaire in the future anyway!!! Hah~ its not about the money, its not about the face. Sometimes, it really just something i love to do.
But this post isnt for my teachers.


If there is one important thing i've learnt today, is the different views of people. I've been someone who could read people's past inside out, and yes. I've only made one mistake. That was when his past was much worse than i imagined. I don't like people reading backwards into me, so yes...i throw them a facade to entertain themselves with. The real me shone years ago. Then someone had to take me down. I played myself out, let myself down and pulled into this world i've never been into. Leroy came, and torn this mask off me. I suddenly was able to shine, harder and harder. I noticed so much changes around me! People looked at me differently, i'm starting to turn heads as i walk down a street(BHB but yes XP) and i've been able to talk to people straight away.

I learnt, someone who's a pessimist is more likely to drag another down . A few called this new me a lie, and a few admired the new me. Shows much about them? I'm someone who fights to the death for something i love, and arrogantly thankful for the people around me. I dont show appreciation the way others do, but i sworn to myself if anyone of them were to be hurt, i'd get that bastard twice in his face. Showing confidence was something i could never have done in the past, and now i can. People question me, asking how i could. All i tell them is,
"We look up to the skies for an answer, but God has already put it in our heart"

Arrogant? As hell. But if its for the people i love, i won't give a second damn.

These people taught me things no school teacher could have ever taught. Love, laughter, brotherhood, friendship and life.

"To my dearest,May"

"Let go! Just let go!" "Hey babe i'm really sorry will you please listen to me?!?"

"That jerk... How dare he cheat behind my back...flirting and hugging that girl!! I'm going to settle with that bastard! "

He sent me home, like ugh the usual. Boring! Our way back was an icy one, of course me ignoring him. He looked so cute trying to get my attention! But no. I'm not letting in. "Babe. Hey its not how you think it is. Let me explain!!Its you i love!" i just ignored him. I had steam coming out of my head... Well at least i was trying to make it seem like i was really still angry with him.

"A million things ran through my head. We stepped of the bus into the cool, dim midnight air. He was behind me...i was storming ahead on the narrow, grey pavement.I wanted to play with him, make him regret what he did... Begging and trying to coax me... He held on to my arm as he lagged behind, pleading with me!He's so adorable doing that!!! But no! I'm supposed to be angry at him! He hugged another girl! How dare-
A painful screech, a stunning flash in my eyes. His strong , warm hands pulled me back, a crack somewhere in my hand, and held me close to his chest . I felt warm and safe...Nothing could hurt me. I wanted to stay here in his arms forever. Then something caught my skirt. A jerk, and i only knew i Felt so light all of a sudden and had this numbed feeling where it...was all airy under me.I spun and fell and rolled disgracefully, my head bumped around and scraped the floor. Everything was a blur of a black mass...lights. Sirens. Nothing.

"Yellow.Is this how heaven looks like? Something spinning focuses in my eyes. A fan...where was i? A familiar comfort...everything cleared. I was alone, in the silence of my bedroom. Where is Ryan? What happened last night... I'm in a guy's clothes... Why is my clothes in such tatters in the corner of my room? What... A pain in my hand rips its way up my arm. OUCH!
Someone dredges in, a face painted with tears. Slowly he looks up..."Ryan is in the hospital. He gave his life to you last night"

'Nothing was clear. I had tears coming, i couldn't exactly remember anything anymore...my head was rammed with emotions. Everyone stares were just bouncing off me. I just wanted to see him. A mad girl screaming down the hallway of the virgin white hospital walls... Out and to the operating theater. Red lights of the word illuminated my whole world at that moment. Hours. Days. Weeks. Yet only a minute had passed really. Hysterical, i couldn't remember a single thing i said or did. I'm just there, crying, feeling weak and so alone in the cruel world. I became this small girl , alone and lost in the middle of a world she never dared to peep into. i was so scared. The icy hand that reached into my soul and twisted it, pulled out the deepest demons inside me and turned me into a mess. She came out. I strained to remain sane.No idea how long had passed...it felt like infinity.A beep. The lights went off"

"An old surgeon came out. He said nothing...only but a glance and walked off. I didn't know what to think, how to think. A nurse came out pulling a trolley...and the body of the boy i loved, covered in the shroud of death. On it a note...a tear and blood splashed note. It was titled, to my dearest May."

"Dear May. I wrote this on the way to the hospital. Damn bumpy ride! I'm losing my senses...I need you to know one thing...that girl you saw was my closest cousin, nothing more. I was trying to tell you so but on the road, i heard and saw this driver lumbering towards us. I didn't think, i pulled you back and made sure you weren't hit. I'm sorry if you were hurt in any way. I failed for not making sure you were okay. I just wanted you to be safe. I told the medic to only give you this if i didn't make it so if you are reading it...i'm sorry i couldn't fulfill my promise to spend forever with you. I'm sorry i can't be the one to stand up for you when you are bullied by other guys. I'm sorry i can't be the one who stays up with you late and does all the silly things with you. I've given you my life. Please take care of it...it will always stay in your heart and support you whenever you need someone...and there's one last thing i need you to know. I love you. Forever"

"The doctor said something about a ruptured heart and a shattered spine. His family was everywhere, grabbing at his shoulders and talking to him.Crying was everywhere, screaming so harshly to call for a dead boy back. Curses to the gods to revive the fallen. But in the end, he's dead. It's all my fault."

"The pain in my hand's gone. All that's left is the spike in my heart. I should never have done that. I'm just in a distant, darkened corner of my room now. A place where i shared hundreds of memories with. I'm just crying, hurting and dazed.I should have just hugged him there and then and tell him how much he meant to me...but its too late. I wish i could tell him , have him hear the three words from me for the last time. But... He's really gone this time. So many times he played to go away, he came back. This time, he's really never coming back. I've yet to tell him goodnight...i've yet to love him, and i've already lost him. Why..."

Sacrifice, is never a loss. It is really something given to someone else. Rare people are willing to give their lives to people around them, in order for them to live. Cherish what you have, or regret what you had when you lose them.
Maybe i'm more than willing to do that for that one girl, but i'm definitely willing to do more than that for the lady who walks the rest of her life with me. Maybe that note was something i was dying to say. Maybe, i might have found the person worth dying for.

"I've wished you the best, now i'll take my time to choose from the rest"

Hope works in weird ways...

Hope is quite a funny thing. It makes you want something that has been denied of you,stolen from you, taken from you. It makes you want to go against what everybody says or does or thinks. It gives you the strength to fight for everything you want, even if the world were to bear down on you, you'd still want it.

Some people call their desperation their hope. They want something which they 'need', that leaves them dry if they do not have it. Their addiction to something keeps them going on, for example to love, drugs and for attention, like how i craved for love myself because it seemed like my only aim in life, to find love. Some people have huge and wild dreams, the kind that makes the impossible, possible. How some people could change the world in a moment of insane courage, or even change their world in a second of unbelievable foolishness ( i remembered how i shouted "I LIKE YOU" in my school parade square!!! XDXDXD HAH ONE OF THE BEST MEMOIRS). And then there is ,to me the most admirable. The kind that burns quietly but strongly... Someone showed me that, he had someone he loved. He knew he had no chance with that person, but he still hopes that one day, that person will turn around and choose him. I don't know...i don't have that experience nor wisdom to tell. But he's a beautiful person to me.

Hope, and passion. It somehow always gives strength. One may say, the passion is true, but the thinking isn't. But what i know, so many people i've seen across the world is that no matter what, when the passion and hope burns a solid red ,no matter what happens, they can carry on. They may rant and scold and shout. But at the end of the day, they always fight on for their passion. I admire this kind of people.Hoping for something comes from everywhere, from wanting something from someone. Hope comes the heart, when you know its a light that just shines out from all the masks that you out put on. Just makes you do things you'd never ever imagined you could do, abilities and the confidence you never knew you had.When someone takes off all their masks, they do it with tears. I don't mean when they are alone. I mean when they really show who they are. I've seen who people really are inside, some are beautiful, some are bright. The others are simply, still hiding behind the masks waiting to see themselves in a light they've never seen before from inside them. I'll never forget how mine started burning, when my masks were peeled off in a single blow, literally saving me from my disorders. A gift of life from God. He called me up on the stage, and tore my facade down and lighted this...inside me. Nothing about going on and on about what happened that day. I just find a joy lighting others with me as well.

I still hope for certain things, even though i know its impossible. But sometimes, all you need is a little hope to keep going~

Inspirational.

Humanity? Nope. Never heard of that.

Grades are getting low
Teens are getting high
That 12 year old is pregnant
and her parents wonder why
A 1st grader has been swearing
A 3rd grader has just been raped
Just take a look around you
Isn't the system great?
Who isn't faded these days,
Teens are sending nudes,
Kids are getting beaten.
The teaches see the bruises,
But No calls for help are spoken.
The teens are smoking weed,
Young girls are cutting.
This isn't what we need!
The marks of taunt and yelling,
Parents are divorced,
That 14 year old is drinking beer,
This can't get any worst.
A little girl has killed herself,
No one seems to care.
Another kid has been expelled
for just a stupid dare
The people all around you
All huddled warm and tight.
How much of that is really true?
When they cry all night?
The smiling faces you see
The empty promises you hear.
That vacant show that you put on
Just when your 'friends' are near.
But this now needs to change
Our world is officially broken
Its time to take a stand,
Your thoughts need to be spoken.

With permission and adapted from:
Error203critical.blogspot.com

Parents, school, love, and drama.

Parents will always be parents. Some make better parents, some don't express it as well. Seen somethings that shocked me today...

Its true all parents want the best for their children. Well, some do it encouragingly, while some do it the harsh way of using the cane. Some learn how to push their child to their potential, some way over. But all want one thing, when they cannot support themselves, their children better be able to.
Was on the train with Jian Xun, to collect my dear girlfriend (XP) yes yes~ was infront of this mother. We spoke rather loudly( Leroy made me this joker. Help!!) about our future...he had a bright one, mine was no less glorious(I LIKE TO STUDY NOW :O) spoke about family, grades and all that. This one mother in particular, was listening to us. I noticed her feelings...they were same as how i felt when i went up to speak about my parents. She was hurting and ashamed to the point she started crying. Not only her, several mothers in the cabin started tearing as well. I guess, her son or daughter must have been the kind of...wastrel i once was. She even lied to me that she was just sweating when her eyes were red... I thought about my own mother. I never want people to ask her about me and her reply can only be: "oh yeah he's doing okay" i want her to say:"My son was more successful than the two of us" and we were talking about life as if we were already 80.

Saw a mother and a kid at amk hub, the mother was forcefully dragging the crying boy. I wanted to go up to her to tell her not to do such a thing, in the end it goes a big round...but i witheld(regret too) and a daughter and father quarreling. The father was the one crying , and i sworn i heard the daughter shout at him, i don't have a father like you. She just ran off like that.
I went up to her(was stupid enough to and daring :D) and she was rebellious. Guess i told her one line as i walked past her made her wake up and run back to where her father was. I just muttered: some people don't have a father to quarrel with. Guess she woke up...

Parents nag, parents scold. Too many ungrateful kids are in arrogance, thinking they deserve everything they have. But they regret once their parents goes. Why? Now i realised, and thank God before my parents were really gone. It takes a huge wakeup call to tell them they care enough to nag.

Well, who am i to say about parents when i never experienced a full family before? I guess, someone who dare says this. To cherish the very people around you, for no one else cares enough to nag at you. Especially parents, and the friends that you know will always stick around you no matter what.

Scared of losing you. Really scared.

Emotional overflow, thats for sure. Cried like a baby in front of my level and the sec five's, first time i ever did that. Only one thing ran through my mind. I was at the staircase with jx, in the dark for almost 10 minutes.I was supposed to feel relieved, but no. I just kept going down and down, the lowest i've felt. I damned remembered how i lost three important people. My mom, my father and now her. Never let go of so much this way. All i could think of was her. I wanted her back hell as badly. I needed her. The first time i felt that icy hand reach into my heart and twist it, she came to my mind. She mattered. I have never felt so scared of someone exiting my life before. I never felt so...weak and powerless. I was lost as hell...i wish i could say everything i had in my head. I was petrified when i started cry again but this time, the tears were my blood. I swear it was damn scary. Blood dripping out of my eyes. Cried too much? Maybe. Theres blood on me everywhere. You know, its just that feeling you get. All the masks you had,all the shows you put up it just goes, poof. All crumbles down, you just let go all off a sudden. You become who you are deep inside. Well yeah, a hell lot of sorrow and pain came out, that's for sure. Now that 'love tank' is pretty much empty. I'm looking again...I feel like a kid lost in the centre of new york square. i lost people, but i saw who really cared. Who i could really trust now. I gained people as well... I lost ONE person now. At that same instant, i gained EIGHT people i can trust fully.

I can decide on one thing. Without ryan rugdee, i would almost never have woken up. It was my lowest, ever. Comfort, yea yea. People made me smile yes, but somehow, only he could pull me back out.

I just need one more chance. I swear i won't screw it up anymore. I want one more shot...is it that hard?

Wakeup call, or scar opener?

Hell motivating, Leroy is now someone i respect to no ends. His anger was justified by the pain he had gone through... And what still mystifies me was what kept him going? And he answered this without me asking. He asked, "Who, are you? I dont want your title, your gender. I want to know, who are you?"

I understood his pain. I understood what was it like to lose a precious person and then have no idea what to do afterwards. I know what is it like, to grow up in a place where my parents are just any other friend to me, far away and i'm there alone.I'm pessimistic a person.But now, after his question i was hit hard in the face. Who was i? My answer came immediately. I had...about 10+ people come to mind straight away. I am going to be a protector , and a fighter for these people. Of course the top of the list being the top 3 most important ladies in my life. My grandmother, respect to her for handling a timebomb like me. My mother, who went through physical pain and mental pain to take care of the 2 stars in her life, me and my brother. And of course lastly, a girl i would gladly protect to the ends. This girl, it doesn't matter if she wants me to or not. I want to, be it from the side, from the shadows. I always want to be by her side now... I would want to protect these three always, and make sure no one ever hurts them again. Its unrealistic but hell, i do that for the people i truly love. Thereafter my immediate family, then a list of people that had gone through the worst and the most horrible times with me when even my father deserted me.

So what makes a man? Anyone can be a male, that is one thing for sure. But one thing, one belief i held for a long time and finally seen in only one man. Okay to me for the longest time, a gentlemen is someone who can hold doors, chivalrous much. Does the sweetest things for his girl. But charm and sweetness gets a guy nowhere. What makes a man, i felt for like since, ever was the fact that he must have three things. Im pretty much the extremist...call me a fanatic, call me a dog. I've had it trying to please the jokers everywhere.

A desire to fight for his family. To protect no matter the cost, is the first. The fierceness of a dreamer,backed by the actions of a worker and finally a commitment that keeps him going no matter what happens to him. That makes a man in my eyes...someone i truly respect. How many have i seen with such? 2.

Leroy said this. Male by birth,man by choice. Anyone can be a daddy, but it takes a real man to be a father. It's not the short short motivation from any other talks. Its me now wanting to fight for the people around me...
I realised how weak i really am, but now i want to change for these people.

I will never forget this question, and this quote.

"What have you done to deserve and demand everything you want and have now?"

"Its when you lose someone important for the first time, you cry and cry, but nothing improves until you want it to"

Nothing is right today...

Everything kinda went wrong today. Hell yea the adam khoo was fun and all, but there had to be idiots reminding me of my loss of you. Keep on opening that bloody wound. I could take the pain, no problem but after school, my mood swings kicked in. God it hit hard... Mood was extremely volatile. All it took was a little to irritate and i'll just blow up. All my self control not to explode at ryan goh...

Then the jokers in the group had to spam. How she got heartbroken by this player outside school. That set me off, i scolded her till she cried. Partly because i'm pissed, partly becuase i cannot stand guys not treating their girl properly like how i didnt treat mine when she was still around. I just flared up and yes i nearly broke down right at amk hub. Emotions, have to sharpen my control over them. Hate this disorder of mine... Its not like i want to be this weak. I know one thing for sure, i'm as hell fighting damn bloody hard.

Feeling extremely volatile, guilty and a sense of loss. A horrible mix...until xuan le told me something i said myself. Either enjoy walking in the rain or just get wet. Woke me up... I got out of my senses, starting looking on the bright side of things after awhile. I really am glad to have him around sometimes...

Talked about motivation, how to tranform myself. Well i felt that... And it made me think of so many things. I guess...you're that important. Fun and games, but you never left my mind. Except now, i don't dare to message you anymore. You'll just be cold and put another message into me again. You'll just put me aside... I'm not the important one to you anymore anyway...And yes. I really miss you but no longer in the desperate way. I just miss you around me...just a little more. Still want you back, but i'm the coward this time. I don't dare to approach you...

The reason why i was so weak when you left was, you were the person that i had built my strength around. In your memory i had forced myself to become better, grow stronger. So now when the support is gone, it felt like i'm suddenly crippled. But i learnt to stand, things are looking up for me now...everything's changing for the better for me. Visions after visions, dreams after dreams, premonitiont after premonitions. All say this one thing, my life this year will be perfect.

Argh. Now im feeling even worse and as if im gonna blow up anytime...but on the bright side i have two beautiful things to spend my night with. My guitar and my bed~

"Being a male, is a matter of birth.
Being a man, is a matter of age.
But being a gentlemen,is a matter of choice"

I need you back.

"I was the idiot here. I love her...and i let her go. Why the heck was i so stupid...she was beautiful. Now all i do is sit here, growing fat and pitiying myself for the one thing i did the worst to make her move on from me. My tears wont stop falling now...

So i has met this pretty girl outside. Well, got to know her, got close, you know the usual. Till one night, she said she was going away for holidays. That was the first time i missed anyone... She came back, we talked much more than usual. And there, i found myself in love with an angel. She took a little longer, well lets put it this way. I saved her from a lumbering truck, that scumbag of a drunk driver... The classic love story of the damsel in princess? You got that. We were lying on the floor, my eyes staring deep into hers. Not sure how long passed when I started...my lips were on hers. I shot straight up with deep embarrassment and a good dose of blushing. Heh...From then on, the sparks started flying. Sparkes to flames, that hot passion that coursed in our veins drove us animalistic. Every moment we spent next to each other was ecstasic and made me high as hell...

We were so close. Everything we had done as a pair, the inseparable couple. Even my friends named us the hopeless lovebirds. heh. This silly bliss only lasted two months. Pathetic ain't it? It was all my fault. I couldn't believe that she chose me. I was literally in denial for something too good to be true. I couldn't believe that she was in love with me...Like what the...fuck was i thinking? I had a princess in front of me, i treated her like any other girl.i treated her badly, no wonder she left me. I can't blame anyone now... But the damn fuckery that was taking a dump in my head.

Hell she was busy. So was i... She had her numerous commitments, i was staying out late just for work. What did it take to destroy 2 months of bonding? Just a goddamned week of not talking much. Just that led to a horrible breakup. It just showed how weak the both of us were. How bad i was for her. I was very insecure. I was hell scared of losing her i did the things i should have done to no one. I tried salvaging, she didn't seem to care and when i tried to give up, she came back. I didn't want her to stay with a wastrel like me, but i wanted her to be by my side.It was always this fucking stupid trend that revolved endlessly until one day, i guess she gave up first.

Quarreled everyday for nearly damn everything. Why the fuck was i so childish? She was the girl of my dreams . It got to a point i was breaking down for every single thing that happened to me. I became disgustingly weak. The proud, leader reduced to the clinging follower. I cried everyday until my tears would run dry, and yet i would not calm. Its an emotional whirlpool mix of shit, the crap of everything that happened,the pain and loss of the most important girl in my life. I avoided the world, turned into this shell of a human. I was lost, she was fine. I was on the verge of insanity, she was smiling. Fuck this shit i swear.

Baby, i miss you as hell. I need you back with me. I love you, the one of my dreams. I miss your hugs, the way you looked at me, the way your lips were on mine. The sparks in my head. I need one more chance...babe please, can i have one more try with you? I'll promise never to let you down again. I want you, i need you with me now. I love you...i dont want to cry anymore...I'm really not that strong without you. Everynight these demons haunt me and taunt me. Its killing me...i don't know how much more i can take. God...the tears cannot stop flowing. My heart won't stop hurting. My dear...save me please. Save my heart now."

I'm trying to useg my emotions to write...so as i write this i actually am tearing :'/ read between the lines...