See this facade of falling leaves,
How you view me ever shifts.
One to stay when the flowers bloom,
Willingly leaves pertinent a coming doom.
Love was a riddle oh so tough,
Not a place where a child just laughs.
Too many meanings, too many judges,
Yet being the nicest ends you up last.
Innocence in its brilliance,
Also in its folly.
It lets you stay happy,
Yet yearns to be more.
Maturity was a curse,
A sticky farce.
Said the adult was fun,
All we got was none.
Adults are really kids,
Who learnt to live.
Yet us as kids,
Choose to push them aside.
Whether lucky or not,
It is not our choosing.
What makes the difference,
Is the thought to start something moving!
Stay with those you love,
Or cry for what you lost.
Live for youself,
Or weep when they become past ghosts.
Life is a big mystery,
A simple complexity.
Now how i wonder,
Is the world out there.
Life is simply mysterious, a complex monstrosity. Just a fool looking for the precious unseen, hoping for somebody to guide him in his way there. A heartless fighter or a hopeless lover, either one when it comes to the people i care for. Looking for my own guardian angel...
Just my passion~
5 April 2013
Rock heart.
I didn't want us to go our separate ways. I've had it with...giving up on people. I'm sick and really tired of feeling that numb...i just want to feel free with someone that has those same feelings for me. Tired of hiding around all my best friends. My brothers. I'm selfish, only wanting something for myself. In exchange for always giving in. For always being the person there for my down friends, sometimes i feel, what's the point of trying to hard for them? When i can't even be myself? Only one person. And even around him, i can't be myself fully. It's tiring ya'know? I'm selfish just like that. I want someone for myself too. Tormented.
The space of my parents were filled up by my best friends. But it will only be completed with another significant person. I've lost so many , so many spaces in this hollowed heart already. Just a glass heart decorated with scratches.
I've screwed up bad enough. And now i'm serious for the relationship.
I've started to put in all my sincerity and it's still not enough. Tell me someone. This numb heart has turned rock hard.
Guess i just have to change again. People who knew me two months ago will not be able to recognise me again. Change. Because i'm weak alone.
The space of my parents were filled up by my best friends. But it will only be completed with another significant person. I've lost so many , so many spaces in this hollowed heart already. Just a glass heart decorated with scratches.
I've screwed up bad enough. And now i'm serious for the relationship.
I've started to put in all my sincerity and it's still not enough. Tell me someone. This numb heart has turned rock hard.
Guess i just have to change again. People who knew me two months ago will not be able to recognise me again. Change. Because i'm weak alone.
1 April 2013
Madness unfurled
A new time is coming. Excited, worried. What's the point? My biggest fears will come to pass, i will stand firm. All the words are really nothing... Until the change starts. And that change starts tonight.
Everyone is moving on, everybody is changing. This is how i feel; i'm stuck here in this rut while everybody whizzes past me. I'm struggling to get out, straining my every ounce to pull myself together. Stress from the world, love from the heart and pain from everywhere else. It's quite a tough mix to take and you're standing there, seemingly alone in this alienating world where everybody watches you with eyes of contempt and judgement. You have to put your strongest front to keep yourself from falling apart, in my case going insane again. You are ridiculed for kindness, avoided for meanness. Laughed for sociability, ostracised for lonliness. What to do? What i do...
Remember. You only SEEM alone. Look around, if you need better friends, be a better one and stretch your hand out first. If you need better people, if you need anything better, its not enough to have your external change without the heart moving. A doctor once said, it is too late to educate a newborn when the mother was not educated properly. Look around, people do care even in ways you can't see. Don't be quick to think that people have betrayed you, left you. Because nobody is a bad thing in anyone's life. Everyone is either a blessing or a lesson. I've had many lessons, and they keep me strong. Now i'm simply losing grip againas this war with the constant pummel of my feelings wear thin and splinter the gates of my feelings. The speed is... Unimaginable.
I might need your support. No, someone's support soon. Supporting myself is like asking me to stand on a toe. In a sense...i'm breaking again. I can only wish i'm not born a weak person but no matter my efforts, my subconscious plays the upper hand. Everyday, it's a war. The smiles are real, but the tears no one sees are also real. I need a support. I thought i would be strong enough, i thought wrong. Slowly my 'mask' decays and crumbles until the cycle repeats. Scared...
Define madness. By experience...i hallucinate. I hear voices. My emotions are more than your mood swings...it feels like one second everything was fine, the next everything is gone. And in that instan, hours have really passed.
I'm tired of caring when i cant fend for myself anymore. I'll reach a point where i simply, really stop. And that's when if there really is no one... I don't know what might happen.
Everyone is moving on, everybody is changing. This is how i feel; i'm stuck here in this rut while everybody whizzes past me. I'm struggling to get out, straining my every ounce to pull myself together. Stress from the world, love from the heart and pain from everywhere else. It's quite a tough mix to take and you're standing there, seemingly alone in this alienating world where everybody watches you with eyes of contempt and judgement. You have to put your strongest front to keep yourself from falling apart, in my case going insane again. You are ridiculed for kindness, avoided for meanness. Laughed for sociability, ostracised for lonliness. What to do? What i do...
Remember. You only SEEM alone. Look around, if you need better friends, be a better one and stretch your hand out first. If you need better people, if you need anything better, its not enough to have your external change without the heart moving. A doctor once said, it is too late to educate a newborn when the mother was not educated properly. Look around, people do care even in ways you can't see. Don't be quick to think that people have betrayed you, left you. Because nobody is a bad thing in anyone's life. Everyone is either a blessing or a lesson. I've had many lessons, and they keep me strong. Now i'm simply losing grip againas this war with the constant pummel of my feelings wear thin and splinter the gates of my feelings. The speed is... Unimaginable.
I might need your support. No, someone's support soon. Supporting myself is like asking me to stand on a toe. In a sense...i'm breaking again. I can only wish i'm not born a weak person but no matter my efforts, my subconscious plays the upper hand. Everyday, it's a war. The smiles are real, but the tears no one sees are also real. I need a support. I thought i would be strong enough, i thought wrong. Slowly my 'mask' decays and crumbles until the cycle repeats. Scared...
Define madness. By experience...i hallucinate. I hear voices. My emotions are more than your mood swings...it feels like one second everything was fine, the next everything is gone. And in that instan, hours have really passed.
I'm tired of caring when i cant fend for myself anymore. I'll reach a point where i simply, really stop. And that's when if there really is no one... I don't know what might happen.
Only one chance
Only one chance.
"The glittery bright eyes of a 6 year old, the innocence of youth betrayed by his light laughter and reflected off his smoke blue pupils, set in a face of a sharp nose and vanilla-scented cheeks virgin of malice stained tears, looked up to a bent and reserved old man in his safari grey cap, eyes kept all his fiery passion, just dimmed by years of experience ,having turned into grooves of deep wrinkles clawing explicit words into his smooth, untouched tanned skin. A gentle warmth emanating from his very emarald eyes, showing all restraint to his knowledge and cunningness, yet fear spilling from a single scar trailing from his left eye to his right cheek, a story of a tale went wrong written in a single line to be kept there for as long as he would live to tell that tale...
The child spoke in utter brightness, 'Grandfather! Our teacher asked this in class today!' The man simply gave his sweetest smile. 'What is the meaning to life?'
"Why, that's a tough one son! Alright...let me explain alright kiddo!"
Trying to explain life to a kid is like trying to tell a monkey to solve a rubik's cube... You get the point. An hour, two, three and yet the child was puzzled. He couldn't understand the complexities, the corruption, the PAIN involved. The madness of a place man knew as the world. He knew pain, the kind that hurt him on the skin but not that which keeps a man up crying all night, yearning to regain all he has lost. Not the kind that would keep a woman wondering whether she was good enough.For to be born was a pain in itself, everything and every action would hurt someone else. This world was far too great, its greed so insatiable that even angels would sigh and Gods had no resolve for such a twisted world, let alone for a young mind to even begin to comprehend. Atlas against a mere grain of rice.
So instead this old man told the little boy. He bent down and whispered into his ear :" You know what Lennon? I'll leave it in a note, you'll understand it when you're old enough. Okay?" Okay!
The note was written, and the moment the final letter was penned grandfather had breathed his last. It was weird. The first time looking at my grandfather, and everybody was telling me he would not wake up again. I couldn't grasp this reality that my most favourite family was, gone. My mother hid and sealed it away in an intricate gold box on the attic to be discovered again... But i never understood why she was crying when she read the letter.
*Creeeeeakkk*
A yellowed parchment was placed on the table, crusted with age as the paper rots away but never a single word, for unfurling the paper revealed a handwriting of raven ink, set in the most beautiful of old English inscripted into the paper. One, single paragraph titled, "To my grandchild..."
"This will be years before you read, and maybe even begin to understand a single word in here. Tsk, you were such a young, fine kid... Alright. Now you're but a toddler with no idea of this world. Let me just tell you a little more, of what you will go through as you grow older and wiser alright lad? Middle school. You'll start having feelings, you think you've met the person that you will spend forever with. All that until that person tells you, its over. You'll have your first heartbreak. It's gonna hurt really bad, so you have to prepare yourself. You might even torture yourself to get that person back... You'll meet much action and drama, people talk behind your back, curse and swear but you choose to stand up or fall back. Long nights of decision, regret and worries, everything crashes down and you just have to cry. Don't worry, it's normal. I've been there too! Teachers and your parents will pressure you for academics, friends will for glam and fashion. You'll feel all alone like no one understands and everyone is looking at you with those eyes. Your emotions whirl you round when you see that special person, pain or joy.Then suddenly, you're out there fighting for a spot in life to survive. Everyday, you eat someone else and someone does it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, backstabbing is but the norm.Everybody just wants to live. Then it all leads up to retirement. You take life easy but your children may not choose to stay with you. It's their choice, no matter. Now you have all the wealth you need, and the most virtuous and patient woman by your side. Life is perfect... Until the last day. You are too weak to stand, to even sit up. Everybody is crying and you can't do a thing about it...your breaths are numbered, they get shallower and shallower, the world becomes a little dimmer more, and fades. It's like falling asleep...but only you never wake up again. I want you to live a life where people will see you go, smiling as they tear. For you were such a great man, ever flowing with goodness and kindness, and not remembered as the stingy of myself. Get that lad? Life will pass by you fast, you only have one, chance. Take that chance, and make the amendments of my lost time"
"Yes grandfather...now i understand what you meant so many decades ago..."
Lennon thought as he glanced at his son, playing with a toy plane in the corner, the same glitter in his eyes so many years ago.
"Now john...it will be your turn to read this soon"
"The glittery bright eyes of a 6 year old, the innocence of youth betrayed by his light laughter and reflected off his smoke blue pupils, set in a face of a sharp nose and vanilla-scented cheeks virgin of malice stained tears, looked up to a bent and reserved old man in his safari grey cap, eyes kept all his fiery passion, just dimmed by years of experience ,having turned into grooves of deep wrinkles clawing explicit words into his smooth, untouched tanned skin. A gentle warmth emanating from his very emarald eyes, showing all restraint to his knowledge and cunningness, yet fear spilling from a single scar trailing from his left eye to his right cheek, a story of a tale went wrong written in a single line to be kept there for as long as he would live to tell that tale...
The child spoke in utter brightness, 'Grandfather! Our teacher asked this in class today!' The man simply gave his sweetest smile. 'What is the meaning to life?'
"Why, that's a tough one son! Alright...let me explain alright kiddo!"
Trying to explain life to a kid is like trying to tell a monkey to solve a rubik's cube... You get the point. An hour, two, three and yet the child was puzzled. He couldn't understand the complexities, the corruption, the PAIN involved. The madness of a place man knew as the world. He knew pain, the kind that hurt him on the skin but not that which keeps a man up crying all night, yearning to regain all he has lost. Not the kind that would keep a woman wondering whether she was good enough.For to be born was a pain in itself, everything and every action would hurt someone else. This world was far too great, its greed so insatiable that even angels would sigh and Gods had no resolve for such a twisted world, let alone for a young mind to even begin to comprehend. Atlas against a mere grain of rice.
So instead this old man told the little boy. He bent down and whispered into his ear :" You know what Lennon? I'll leave it in a note, you'll understand it when you're old enough. Okay?" Okay!
The note was written, and the moment the final letter was penned grandfather had breathed his last. It was weird. The first time looking at my grandfather, and everybody was telling me he would not wake up again. I couldn't grasp this reality that my most favourite family was, gone. My mother hid and sealed it away in an intricate gold box on the attic to be discovered again... But i never understood why she was crying when she read the letter.
*Creeeeeakkk*
A yellowed parchment was placed on the table, crusted with age as the paper rots away but never a single word, for unfurling the paper revealed a handwriting of raven ink, set in the most beautiful of old English inscripted into the paper. One, single paragraph titled, "To my grandchild..."
"This will be years before you read, and maybe even begin to understand a single word in here. Tsk, you were such a young, fine kid... Alright. Now you're but a toddler with no idea of this world. Let me just tell you a little more, of what you will go through as you grow older and wiser alright lad? Middle school. You'll start having feelings, you think you've met the person that you will spend forever with. All that until that person tells you, its over. You'll have your first heartbreak. It's gonna hurt really bad, so you have to prepare yourself. You might even torture yourself to get that person back... You'll meet much action and drama, people talk behind your back, curse and swear but you choose to stand up or fall back. Long nights of decision, regret and worries, everything crashes down and you just have to cry. Don't worry, it's normal. I've been there too! Teachers and your parents will pressure you for academics, friends will for glam and fashion. You'll feel all alone like no one understands and everyone is looking at you with those eyes. Your emotions whirl you round when you see that special person, pain or joy.Then suddenly, you're out there fighting for a spot in life to survive. Everyday, you eat someone else and someone does it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, backstabbing is but the norm.Everybody just wants to live. Then it all leads up to retirement. You take life easy but your children may not choose to stay with you. It's their choice, no matter. Now you have all the wealth you need, and the most virtuous and patient woman by your side. Life is perfect... Until the last day. You are too weak to stand, to even sit up. Everybody is crying and you can't do a thing about it...your breaths are numbered, they get shallower and shallower, the world becomes a little dimmer more, and fades. It's like falling asleep...but only you never wake up again. I want you to live a life where people will see you go, smiling as they tear. For you were such a great man, ever flowing with goodness and kindness, and not remembered as the stingy of myself. Get that lad? Life will pass by you fast, you only have one, chance. Take that chance, and make the amendments of my lost time"
"Yes grandfather...now i understand what you meant so many decades ago..."
Lennon thought as he glanced at his son, playing with a toy plane in the corner, the same glitter in his eyes so many years ago.
"Now john...it will be your turn to read this soon"
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