Just my passion~

Just my passion~

27 February 2013

Really tired out~

Don't you get something? You're stressing me out more than anything... My father tells me, aiya just a girl, let her be. She has to learn anyway. Deep down, i'm thinking no. I care for you. I want you to find someone good and much better then me, for you. Forget me...i'm nobody good with nothing much to my name. I don't want to keep on hurting you... Too bad i'm the kind of person who worries too much for his closests. Another close friend had quite the bad day, and yeah he put me into worrying for a good whole day. Hais...

Put under intense pressure by my father. What is this...sundays cut off. Too bad...i know my o lvls are important but hey, i need to go out. Fresh air? Nah... I'm someone who needs movement. Too bad again...the rate i'm going, i'm pretty clear how well i will do. Confident much...

Dont like it when, i have to rush somewhere someplace on call. Argh...gotten so much of my time and it wears me down heavily. Look, as much as i hold positions, i'm still a kid. I dont expect you be any less strict, at the least smile a little? Haish...headache ah~
so many people i worry for, no matter how much i try not to. So many matters piling up i'm actually starting to worry if i might end up like last year. So many things to juggle, and stamping me down~ noticed numerous changes in me. I needed someone to be there, and yes. One was there the whole time. Nevermind how much i ranted, this person would take it in and when this person had troubles, i'm always glad to help. Now i'm really scared too...
What if i lost them? What if i lost her? What if she found someone else better... I feel the distance building around all these people. I'm running, running yet all they seem is further and further away. Some already turned their backs to me~ just four faces i hope never to see turn on me...

But hey, i had a crazy day at school~ dance off, breakdance and popping~ injured my leg...while doing chair freeze xP but okay now~ lessons as usual... Found out things that surprised me to no ends~ my bro was actually angry that some people are together~ i mean it honestly didnt concern him but he still felt angry~ and was 'interogated' by a friend about a past relation...heh. Guess he was happy it happened~ good for him. Good for me? I hide things well~^^ haih...now i'm dying... So damn tired~

24 February 2013

Angry. Tired. Missing someone...

Come to think of it, aaron was pretty right. This school, no . Maybe all the schools has mindfucked us to become followers instead of leaders. Look, some schools put so much emphasis on teachers being a level higher than students and the dm being untouchable. Familiar? I've yet to see anyone even dare to talk back to the dm in a sharp tone. Screwed up... Its a scary reality. The honest truth and the utmost disgust to teachers who preach that respect is earned and demand for it. All my life i hear, respect is earned. All my life i see, i want respect. That goes to teachers who can get it without asking, those who can put their passion for teaching across without the need for harsh screamings, be it in their own way. Some teachers give a very commanding air, and never have to demand, let alone ask for respect. Some can barely control a class and yet think themselves to be a big shot. Some have the ability to teach but not talk, some are all talk and no substance. People like this, a dimes a dozen out there but would you agree that still the best teachers out that, the rose among the thorns, those that can inspire you with their passion, and their words tell you where to look instead of what to look at. Respect is earned by the deserving, not by the begging.

Coming on to this word rebel. What is it exactly? Society is one ugly fucker that fucked all of us up in the head. A rebel is really someone who is unhappy with unfair and unjust power, and wishes to stand up against it, is it not? Yet society can put such heavy negativity on the word. Again the stupid contradiction. Stand up for what you believe in, then punish the people for doing that. Is it a wonder that more guys are becoming passive nowadays? When people break out of that suppression to express themselves the way they want to, they get judged. For standing up against what i know i did and can do, i was labeled unfilial. The fuck is that? I believe that 6 days of hard work at the very least, grants me a few hours of rest. Seriously, this is all dripping with one thing. You become unhappy that i didnt go the way you plan, you curse and put me down. But this is something most adults would forget. A teen can only be controlled for so long. When his or her independance comes of age, no matter what a parent says, it will be up to the child to respond or not. I daresay i've been through worse than my father. He dares to call me immature, but he never saw the things i saw. Early age depression is more damaging than people can actually imagine. What do they say? Oh suck it up. You'll be fine. Have they ever considered the amount of damage it can do? No excuse to be let off for anything, but that damage can actually cause thinking impairments. Take it for example. Girls might be really insecure about their looks. Ingrained in their heads, to some of them are slim and skinny. Guys go for the pretty faces. Even the frickin television puts so much emphasis on figure that some girls forget a guy wants a pretty heart.
Take me for example. I cannot control my emotions properly, and my thinking has been twisted. But for somethings that i hold dear, i dont give a fuck who you are. I'd defend it. I know its something i done, even if you are the king, i'd fight back. Sorry but you stepped on something important. Fuck you...
This is to the people who take others for granted. They wont be there to help you forever. Watch your words and actions, stop pushing people away...
I learnt to suppress emotions better than most after my disorder last year. Meaning, even if you are my father, i wouldnt hesitate to kill you, physically or emotionally. Yet never for the people i developed this one set of feelings called care, for.

Dont tell me what to think, when i learnt how to think. I'm in my environment longer than you are. Times are changing. Its not as simple as it was in the past. Judgement is next to subconscious. I do judge, maybe the most severely? I could cut a person's pride down to zero and stamp it into the ground. Not that i like to be like this but...all these spines i got from my previous 'breakup' and disorders, impaired me pretty badly. You'll never see the twisted way my mind sees...
Not bad. You managed to get this anger out of me, the one that makes me want to hurt and damage. I dislike conflict...but i wouldnt hesitate to hurt. Razor sharp words are the militia of my arsenal. Press the wrong buttons now...i wish you the best when i play with you. Heh too bad you have a rebel for a son.

One more thing. Who can actually define the thing of having the wrong mindset? All mindsets are correct. A true wrong mindset is a controlled one. If a mind could be controlled and shaped into something another wants it to be, that's pretty disgusting. A weak person, a strong one. Whatever...

Enough of the anger part. Well...it has been 2,3 days since i spoke to you? Since that happened, i dont know...feels as if something big was removed from my daily activities. Missing that someone that would give me the reassurance, the affirmation that someone out there still does care for me. Sucks to be me, i pretty much cannot feel emotions from others. Reassurance is the only thing left feeling so alone. To be honest, i never expected a day where i would really be scared of losing you. Not a good feeling, no good feelings brought back either. But now...i missed you pretty much. Been quite a few tiring days ...i need an emotional refresh. Not some holidays, just that someone who can make me feel good again. Reading back on my old posts... Motivated again but i cannot do that motivation to myself regardless of the tries. Well...haish.



21 February 2013

Really frustrated...

How good am i actually? What good can i really do? Tonight, i don't know why. Starting to tear up... Feeling messed up for a messed up reason. And why i didnt want to share with you when i asked, i know you're hurt enough. I don't want to be the one hurting you again, yet i have to push you away... Now i'm the one hurting. I've fallen for real... Why. Give people so much advice, motivation yet when it comes to myself, all i can do is crumble. The people i'm dying to talk to, one hates me. One cant hold a deep conversation with me, the other is sleeping and the last, i cant contact her. I dont want to disturb my bros... They're trouble enough. Shall just rant here and get some sleep... Listening to the hardest rock i have, some frustrations put there. Physical trainingc, dance and guitar just help, just a little. Argh.


So much about protecting everyone i care for? Now one is down. Lost her phone, and i cant do a single thing. Know she's going to go through a lot for that. What am i to do?To comfort her? Cant even do the least. Maybe it's me fearing for her, maybe its me who's damn bloody paranoid. But maybe, its me that wants to care too much.

My bro wanted to be a studious rebel. First time hearing this term? Me too. He was stressed that he couldnt even tear a piece of paper infront of a teacher. Ranted and ranted, i could only give advice. Well obviously he took it... But advice was all i could give. No help, nothing.

Another, i know she's been hiding a lot of pain deep down. Don't need her to tell me, she showed me everything from her eyes. Yet i cant do anything because i'm the one causing the pain. Wah...
So many more, yet these three are maybe the among most important friends i have?

I dont know. Emotions in me is always my biggest driving factor, yet when it turns against me...wow. Maybe its better i stay numbed to all these feelings...
What good can i really do for people i care for...someone fricking tell me? I want to help. I want to give. I want to let others rely, not get help, take and rely. I've had it for being reliant on others..

Frustrated.

20 February 2013

Thinking back...

Heh~ recovered much and back up being the hyper and silly me~ well...now when i'm alone my music accompanies me and well, all that's in my phone are crazy dance songs. Even when i'm alone...hyper as heck xD well yeah. Im glad that i pretty much got myself up and running again ^^

Was listening to 'Without you' by Chris Brown, love song as usual blah blah ^^ but i let the memories run. One particular scene came back into my head...on the 11 of November, this person told me,: Don't give up on love, maybe one day someone will give you a miracle. All the way up till now, just a casual sentence yet now when i think back and this same line comes back, it shoots me in the heart hard. Kinda got me reminded of this funny feeling, a mix of the sweetness of being love and the pain of losing someone important. Obviously...i was thrown into deep thoughts eh? Wedding dress played right after. Kevin lien's version...one line i hated yet loved so damn much. "You moved on while i'm still waiting..." got me thinking and pondering, yeah. Guess she still holds a small pull in me~enough to get me thinking of the past and miss it altogether. Kinda wished i could restart my secondary 3 life...such an eventful year but i didnt want it that way. Mundane is nice sometimes... Miss really feeling high...but i know how i can get there again~ many, but none are...acceptable. Since last year, somehow my nickname was coined and hey, it's quite cute to maintain it. Playboy? Seriously? Its pretty fun to keep the image, i mean hey. People take it seriously and im there laughing my head off. That few who really know, knows how commited i can become~ guess i did play and yeah i got trouble for myself~but once is enough where i lost. Apprehensive to go all the way in, but slowly opening up...guess this miracle was not given by someone else, but myself~

Just now, a friend sent me the cutest text ever. Direct as hell, but also i got the meaning. Really made my night, made me smile~ this friend, well means quite alot to me too..
Made me think yet again of this role that i wanted to play. Make sure everyone i cared for would never frown again. Heh...who am i to say that? Everyday, someone i do care for is down, crying, broken etc. Cant do a damn thing about it, stresses me too... And my biggest fears~ i fear things others usually dont. Connected to me when i was younger~ some of then are just unfurling right in front of me yet i can tell from everybodies eyes that the expectation of me is there. Just one day, in school and outside i'd fully be myself? I can let my bad habits out...haish>~<

Counted something. Realised it hard...everyone found someone better. I don't know where i stand in her eyes. Maybe the only thing i can get insecure about is that someone else can make her happy~ get her attention and maybe one day, i might even have to beg for hers. Watched so many change, turn their backs to me. Now...my turn. Let too many climb over my head, gotta take a stand now...

This world's really materialistic eh? Honestly find it disgusting that people can ogle at someone based on their looks. Well if the person was really good looking, a quick glance would suffice. Not as if you're going to worship the person... They said. The good looking get's through life easier. And to those who are insecure for their looks...you're perfect in your way. Perfection lives only in imperfection...





15 February 2013

On this rainy night

I've realised that not everybody understands this pain. I find safety in anonymosity rather than letting people see and read me. A friend told me, bluff the world. I found... Some will only criticise me because of the sheltered life they lead. They find me stupid only to realise later...then choose to cry. I don't want anyone to become close to me, simply because i don't want to lose someone else anymore. I've watched so many turn their backs and walk away... All of them found someone better. All of them are leading and doing great now... Even from the day i could remember i already lost important people making me independant to them. Then i would gain someone else, and lose them again. Pain, and it kept hurting till all i feel inside is numb. Heh...if you asked me if i was feeling anything at all, i'd say i'm feeling nothing. Filled with only fear...I'd say only one girl could make me feel alive again, and now i'm just dead inside~ but i'm used to it already. So now, to those innocent and naive people(whether acting or not) i play them, so they'd get a little of how i felt. I rather be the one hurting them just a little to make them a little wiser, then have someone else kill them and take advantage of them just like how i was. If i have to hurt to protect, i will at all costs... That aside, all i can do now is that i will never let others see my true intention. Playing out mixed signals...letting people hear what they want to hear. I'm happy where i am...i might be alone but i want it that way...

Just now during training, emerson suddenly went off. He was pale and green in the face, and james was pretty effed up angry. I could only remember i exploded. Really went off, the first time i was so angry at anything or anyone. I blasted at ronghui for his training, blaming and blaming but realised...scolding would not help plus i over reacted. Argh... I hate situations like this. I want to care, then people say i care too much. Then when i do not care at all, i get scolded. Like what the heck do you want me to do? Argh... Frustrated at some people...all they know is to lie, to hide. To watch others hurt and waddle in pain. I've seen enough of these kind of people . Haish...i want to bring this kinda people down harsh...

Performance for chinese new year is over, preparing for the competition tomorrow. Really been so tired the last few weeks that i'm starting to sleep in class. 9 hours of sleep is not enough... Yeap. I placed too much time into all these and not enough rest so now i have to get all the rest i can soon... I got more moody, my thoughts are running free and my emotions are more uncontrolled. Hais i'm beginning to rant and starting to feel more negativity. Well...confidence might have deserted me for the time being, but that's it.

I dont want the burden of another person. Some don't get that if i am in a relationship i put huge priority on it. It stresses me the worst if i know i'm not treating the person right. I get insecure, well yeah...i want time to spend with the person. I want to take the person on for dates, really take care of the person. I'm not going to waste my time on someone only to have it fail later on, hurt myself, cry get over her and repeat. Once, twice i can hold and hopefully in that once or twice. I'll seriously continue if my instincts tell me it's worth the whole time with that person, if it is worth the pain to be with the person. If it is, i want to pamper the person and make sure she is never hurt in any ways...If i know i can't do those then i seriously get affected. Do or never. That's me...i'm an extremist to a masochist. Well too bad~ i over react. I nag like a grandmother. I really do become moody. It's just me... I cant do anything to change those especially. But still...i'm not worth much~ she's worth better, another she's worth better, oh she should be with him. Heh...used to life alone. Used to keeping things in. Used to fighting for myself and not for the title of 'Us'. I'm nowhere good enough to yet...







11 February 2013

Only one chance.

"The glittery bright eyes of a 6 year old, the innocence of youth betrayed by his light laughter and reflected off his smoke blue pupils, set in a face of a sharp nose and vanilla-scented cheeks virgin of malice stained tears, looked up to a bent and reserved old man in his safari grey cap, eyes kept all his fiery passion, just dimmed by years of experience ,having turned into grooves of deep wrinkles clawing explicit words into his smooth, untouched tanned skin. A gentle warmth emanating from his very emarald eyes, showing all restraint to his knowledge and cunningness, yet fear spilling from a single scar trailing from his left eye to his right cheek, a story of a tale went wrong written in a single line to be kept there for as long as he would live to tell that tale...

The child spoke in utter brightness, 'Grandfather! Our teacher asked this in class today!' The man simply gave his sweetest smile. 'What is the meaning to life?'

"Why, that's a tough one son! Alright...let me explain alright kiddo!"

Trying to explain life to a kid is like trying to tell a monkey to solve a rubik's cube... You get the point. An hour, two, three and yet the child was puzzled. He couldn't understand the complexities, the corruption, the PAIN involved. The madness of a place man knew as the world. He knew pain, the kind that hurt him on the skin but not that which keeps a man up crying all night, yearning to regain all he has lost. Not the kind that would keep a woman wondering whether she was good enough.For to be born was a pain in itself, everything and every action would hurt someone else. This world was far too great, its greed so insatiable that even angels would sigh and Gods had no resolve for such a twisted world, let alone for a young mind to even begin to comprehend. Atlas against a mere grain of rice.

So instead this old man told the little boy. He bent down and whispered into his ear :" You know what Lennon? I'll leave it in a note, you'll understand it when you're old enough. Okay?" Okay!

The note was written, and the moment the final letter was penned grandfather had breathed his last. It was weird. The first time looking at my grandfather, and everybody was telling me he would not wake up again. I couldn't grasp this reality that my most favourite family was, gone. My mother hid and sealed it away in an intricate gold box on the attic to be discovered again... But i never understood why she was crying when she read the letter.

*Creeeeeakkk*

A yellowed parchment was placed on the table, crusted with age as the paper rots away but never a single word, for unfurling the paper revealed a handwriting of raven ink, set in the most beautiful of old English inscripted into the paper. One, single paragraph titled, "To my grandchild..."

"This will be years before you read, and maybe even begin to understand a single word in here. Tsk, you were such a young, fine kid... Alright. Now you're but a toddler with no idea of this world. Let me just tell you a little more, of what you will go through as you grow older and wiser alright lad? Middle school. You'll start having feelings, you think you've met the person that you will spend forever with. All that until that person tells you, its over. You'll have your first heartbreak. It's gonna hurt really bad, so you have to prepare yourself. You might even torture yourself to get that person back... You'll meet much action and drama, people talk behind your back, curse and swear but you choose to stand up or fall back. Long nights of decision, regret and worries, everything crashes down and you just have to cry. Don't worry, it's normal. I've been there too! Teachers and your parents will pressure you for academics, friends will for glam and fashion. You'll feel all alone like no one understands and everyone is looking at you with those eyes. Your emotions whirl you round when you see that special person, pain or joy.Then suddenly, you're out there fighting for a spot in life to survive. Everyday, you eat someone else and someone does it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, backstabbing is but the norm.Everybody just wants to live. Then it all leads up to retirement. You take life easy but your children may not choose to stay with you. It's their choice, no matter. Now you have all the wealth you need, and the most virtuous and patient woman by your side. Life is perfect... Until the last day. You are too weak to stand, to even sit up. Everybody is crying and you can't do a thing about it...your breaths are numbered, they get shallower and shallower, the world becomes a little dimmer more, and fades. It's like falling asleep...but only you never wake up again. I want you to live a life where people will see you go, smiling as they tear. For you were such a great man, ever flowing with goodness and kindness, and not remembered as the stingy of myself. Get that lad? Life will pass by you fast, you only have one, chance. Take that chance, and make the amendments of my lost time"

"Yes grandfather...now i understand what you meant so many decades ago..."
Lennon thought as he glanced at his son, playing with a toy plane in the corner, the same glitter in his eyes so many years ago.
"Now john...it will be your turn to read this soon"

10 February 2013

Don't leave me alone,..

Baby,all the times we've had..
I kept my feelings wrapped.
I'll always ask myself,
"How did I lose her heart?"
Your love was in my reach
but now,Far gone..
I never thought that
I would Fall this hard.
I was afraid to tell you
all the feelings in my heart
thinking that if I told you,
You and I would fall apart.
I hesitated..
and now our love is breaking..
'cause you moved on
and I'm still waiting.'

Baby..
He won't ever
love you like I do..
'Cause you should be my lady.'
Waited for so long to say to you..
Come back to me.

It was so Perfect in my dreams.
don't you know that..
I will always love you forever.
But baby..
When the church bells ring..
you know I wanted us
to be there together.
Now you're in your wedding dress.

How could he be the one?

Now it all comes down to this.
Our love was such a bliss.
You've blessed me with the best
and now he wants in your heart.
I wanted you to know
my heart Bled for you.
but would he ever do
the Same for you.
we played this game called Love
but how is it that I came out gone?
Wishing that this could have been
real this time around,our love..
Tick,tick,the time runs..
and I can't,can't keep on it..
'Cause time won't tell.'
will I make it home?

Revisiting past memories, finally able to put into words and spit everything out i was holding in for so long. These really put my feelings into words.




7 February 2013

Tiring, fun, hellish, w/e~

What happened to me last night, i have no memory today. Haish...all i have is a bunch of messages and vestiges of some feelings... I know i was very down and i had a nightmare. Two things, it showed fear and a rush for time...

*Dream*
i was with aaron and jerald, as usual but in my room just talking normally. Remembered i had tuition to rush off to, i told them and got to the bathroom but on the way just outside my house, i actually saw ms amy and another teacher (=.= yeah) ms amy had white makeup on her face like a mask...then stopped me, i ignore and just gone into the toilet and slammed the door, a face of the joker appeared on the door and started hitting the damn thing with a toothbrush (i'm scared of clowns...) i seriously wanted to just curl into a ball and cry. He was shrieking and screaming for my head but instead, i actually opened the door and punch the dog in its face. And the other teacher hoisted me up with a stick...i just struggled and slipped off and the both just disappeared =.= look out my window, it's already midight 9 hours past my 'tuition' time... I was all alone. In the house. Caged in, behind the golden bars or my window frame with just the night flowing outside.

I'm rushed for time for the performance as hell, to the point i pushed my body into overdrive and got myself sick. Very very sick... High fever, flu, cough. Yeah you get the point...and scared ? Last night, i don't know what happened to me exactly but well, i sort of slipped into a weird state of mind . Remebered the fear i had when i was still fighting my own head~ even though i have no memory of last night anymore, the feelings are still there. Like fighting something you can't see~ scary as hell... I don't know. I'm pretty effed up already...well they say, everybody has this vestige of madness in them. I see mine takes that to a next level... It's pretty tough to be yourself in this world where looks are pertinent to likeability. Once, twice, i'm alright but it's like, disgusting. I've nothing to boast about in myself, just that i'm honestly dead tired of pleasing people and doing how they think i should be feeling, thinking, whatever. Numbed to it all... Been feeling like this the whole time. Stability...i'd rather have stability than have it broken by unstable emotions.

Big O's coming...its quite a journey indeed. So much to worry, so much to handle. That's not what's putting me down but rather the fact that it's tiring me out worse than i ever expected it to. I don't need another emotional ride, it'll maybe even break me down completely. Not being helped that i'm sick now...i get more emotional, more out of control. Any commitment i make feels like a burden, something slowing me down. Harsh but, i have to put much more down than i speculated. Don't know what to feel, how to feel, who i should feel to and who i should not. Don't teach me what to think, but how to think. Irritated, cranky? That's just me now as i am. Cannot even do basic exercises without my chest hurting~

but hey, on the bright side, tomorrow, the rest of the year, the rest of the years to come. Like just now, glenson aaron derrick zhong hern they tried to tie me up with tape! But yea...and the training with the FSD. Got my hands in both competitions in one way or another~ then there...tomorrow.Tomorrow's making me nervous. First time up there like that...but it's something i like to do ^^ been spending the last three months preparing for this 10 minutes and i'll pull off a perfect on my part. Hell yea! I'm nervous, hands shaking in excitement and smiling in anticipation. I love it.the rest of the year with the people in school, the rest of the years with everyone else. Looking forward to this whole journey, especially hoping for some things to come true. Some paths to intertwine, some to leave mine, some to be side by side and others to simply by my side. Just hoping that i can learn to express myself better than i ever did~ tomorrow. In the light...

Feel much better after ranting here. Time to get back to being silly as hell~^^

"We're so used to walking head down when hit by rainy times that we forget, not all storms have big dark clouds. Look up sometimes and you might just see, this rain actually has a clear sky"
We might be tied down by our problems but if just once, you think positively instead of letting the problem knock you down, the answer might just be right in your face...







4 February 2013

Falling in love and sickness

"I've been spending the last eight months think all love ever does is break, and burn and end"

Yesterday to today was a continuation of hell! :( not really but well...uncomfortable as hell ^^ sunday morning, me and aaron were dancing at the road downstairs my place till a good 5am ^^ heh...brunch at around 1 ._. i know its damn late!! Went to library to dance afterwards till around 2?but my body crumpled faster than i expected :/ in the library looking for a damned place to sit when Georgia joined us xP heh..really could call the library 'study' time corruption in progress xD so many stupid questions asked that well...stumped three guys X'D one more shawn... Well Georgia had to go broadway with her father, me and aaron coincidentally bumped into them 3 times :'D well, two was coincidental. Went for dinner at a japanese restaurant and the cat outside it! CUTE MAX . Haish...never damn expected this to happen :(

Woke up at 4...bed was really warm and this soreness in my throat. Die... Tried to get up, found my sense of balance gone. Couldn't even stand up straight...slept till about 12 and took my temp...39 -.- damn scared for a repeat of last year... NDE, got hospitalised,could not walk straight and would just faint whenever i stood up and for the second time i saw that bright light >< nausea...well yeap. Missed quite abit in school... :/ now after taking meds and sweating it out in my sleep...i must say i recover pretty damn fast^^ just tying up the loose ends of this particular fever...now to think of it, i started feeling sick the moment i took georgia's phone and she tried to snatch it back...

Had this weird dream. It was sweet, painful and sour all mixed into one, showed me about two things... Friends and Love. Weird eh? Always revolve around those two! I guess it was the fever screwing around with my brain...my grandmother said at one point of my sleep i was suddenly sleeptalking, and nearly went into fits. In my dream? I saw this crappy regurgitation of colours. A lot of signs, a lot of words, a lot of numbers. I think...i saw key dates in the past like 17 July, 20 July,27 September and many many more. My own horoscope sign( IKR...), the bittersweet feeling of having loved and lost. The emotions of loyalty, brotherhood and love. So much in 2 hours of sleep...basically the whole past of pain to love and into pain again, and then now the long but sweet climb into freedom of that. Pretty scary to see so much emotions in such a short time. Imagine trapped in a crumbling cage with wars flaring just inches from the bars of the golden cages? Yeah...even in the dream, 5 names entered my head, made me lose the fear and stand up again. Shall not mention as not all of them feel the same way about me... For these five, i want to stand by them always, with them.But most of all, one date stood out. 9th of February... I wonder why.

Guilt was also thrown in...i don't want someone to wait for me. I know one thing that, nobody should ever take the burden of someone as emotional as me. Haish... I'm already holding back alot, much of me has changed. The way i think, everything. But still, i'm pretty much a burden. That's why i try not to rely anymore. I try my best to improve alot of things. And i'll still try my very best. To the three people i trust to no ends, sorry i burdened you guys with my endless rant, well for me. To that girl, sorry i ignored you because i was tired as hell, emotional and moody. To another friend, i'm sorry i couldn't help you at all, no matter how much i never wanted to see you that way. I'm pretty lousy a person...Sigh...

Just some pictured below~