My emotions were uncontrolled. Literally...i could be high as hell and suicidal in the next second, and back up high. You thought your mood swings were bad? Mine was much much, worse. Imagine the feeling of striking a million dollar lottery then hearing the news of a death the next instant. That range...My thoughts...i would hear voices everyday and i became very suspicious of everybody around me... The voices were telling me to keep away from them because they would harm me and occasionally a dreamy feeling. And worst of all, i had pockets of empty memories, which sometimes my friends would ask me why i was not myself. I did somethings that my friends knew i would never ever have done.Did my research, i found serious horrors. I had almost all the symptoms showing in schizophrenia, bipolar maniac disorder and disassociative identity (split personality) .top it off, i was a very weak person emotionally. Sheltered life, you get the point. Contemplated, and nearly commited suicide a few times to escape my own head...every day you know, i would feel like a timebomb. I could just go insane anytime. How damn hard it was every minute. 17th September was the limit. I nearly went insane in class and lost half of the day's memories. I skipped school next day to go down to IMH to get myself checked...the appointment never came. But somehow some what, i actually started recovering. Until the 20th of october, it was nearly all over. All i was left was a small remnant of the split personality...and Leroy pulled the real me out. He made me who i am now. I survived probably the toughest part of my life up till now. I've came out a lot stronger and a lot wiser...albeit with a little aftermath of that war inside of me, leaving me with strange scars in my eyes for those who can see.yep. Just a brief view of what happened to me, the general event! Details are really much more...horrible. But to be truthful here, without her with me back then i would have killed myself long time ago. If after reading this you find me crazy , or weird or anything, i'll let it be up to you. I dared to bare my story.
And because i held on, i got to meet someone. She's really pretty sweet, innocent. Have this weird feeling about her...nothing bad~ just that i feel she's still a little kiddy xP but she could make me feel even better than the first. I'm hoping the feelings are really mutual...i dont want to be the only person playing a song for two!!! :( like yeah... Its not like just any silly crush. Okay maybe it is, but it took quite a while to really have my feelings for anybody kick start again. Think i was too far hurt...and now the light feeling of falling in love is back... So yes!! I'm feeling super good! Hai...what else could i wish for? I somehow feel this. Its more than worth the effort fighting for this one~ she makes me feel happy...there're so many other factors...i'll take my time to learn all of these so hopefully none of us will be hurt... :( i dont want to hurt anyone anymore.
On the wasted trip from nex, so much ran through my head. I felt...weird. Two quotes kept coming into my head...
"Where else do you want to go when the only place you can be is better?"
And a long one...
"They're the people i love. I'll kill the bastard who hurts them. If he cuts off my arms, i'll kick him to death. My legs, i'll bite him to death. Cut off my head, i'll stare him to death. If he gouges out my eyes, i'll curse him from the grave. Nobody, touches the people i love"
Just kept replaying about certain things i've lost... Hai :/ also...to cherish the people and things i have before they're gone...
Well...i dont know why i do honestly. But yep...its me. I'm weird and i'm loving it^^ well, i'm playing the role of the hopeless lover again... -.- ryan you idiot...
