Thoughts.

See this facade of falling leaves,
How you view me ever shifts.
One to stay when the flowers bloom,
Willingly leaves pertinent a coming doom.

Love was a riddle oh so tough,
Not a place where a child just laughs.
Too many meanings, too many judges,
Yet being the nicest ends you up last.

Innocence in its brilliance,
Also in its folly.
It lets you stay happy,
Yet yearns to be more.

Maturity was a curse,
A sticky farce.
Said the adult was fun,
All we got was none.

Adults are really kids,
Who learnt to live.
Yet us as kids,
Choose to push them aside.

Whether lucky or not,
It is not our choosing.
What makes the difference,
Is the thought to start something moving!

Stay with those you love,
Or cry for what you lost.
Live for youself,
Or weep when they become past ghosts.

Life is a big mystery,
A simple complexity.
Now how i wonder,
Is the world out there.

Rock heart.

I didn't want us to go our separate ways. I've had it with...giving up on people. I'm sick and really tired of feeling that numb...i just want to feel free with someone that has those same feelings for me. Tired of hiding around all my best friends. My brothers. I'm selfish, only wanting something for myself. In exchange for always giving in. For always being the person there for my down friends, sometimes i feel, what's the point of trying to hard for them? When i can't even be myself? Only one person. And even around him, i can't be myself fully. It's tiring ya'know? I'm selfish just like that. I want someone for myself too. Tormented.

The space of my parents were filled up by my best friends. But it will only be completed with another significant person. I've lost so many , so many spaces in this hollowed heart already. Just a glass heart decorated with scratches.
I've screwed up bad enough. And now i'm serious for the relationship.
I've started to put in all my sincerity and it's still not enough. Tell me someone. This numb heart has turned rock hard.

Guess i just have to change again. People who knew me two months ago will not be able to recognise me again. Change. Because i'm weak alone.

Madness unfurled

A new time is coming. Excited, worried. What's the point? My biggest fears will come to pass, i will stand firm. All the words are really nothing... Until the change starts. And that change starts tonight.

Everyone is moving on, everybody is changing. This is how i feel; i'm stuck here in this rut while everybody whizzes past me. I'm struggling to get out, straining my every ounce to pull myself together. Stress from the world, love from the heart and pain from everywhere else. It's quite a tough mix to take and you're standing there, seemingly alone in this alienating world where everybody watches you with eyes of contempt and judgement. You have to put your strongest front to keep yourself from falling apart, in my case going insane again. You are ridiculed for kindness, avoided for meanness. Laughed for sociability, ostracised for lonliness. What to do? What i do...
Remember. You only SEEM alone. Look around, if you need better friends, be a better one and stretch your hand out first. If you need better people, if you need anything better, its not enough to have your external change without the heart moving. A doctor once said, it is too late to educate a newborn when the mother was not educated properly. Look around, people do care even in ways you can't see. Don't be quick to think that people have betrayed you, left you. Because nobody is a bad thing in anyone's life. Everyone is either a blessing or a lesson. I've had many lessons, and they keep me strong. Now i'm simply losing grip againas this war with the constant pummel of my feelings wear thin and splinter the gates of my feelings. The speed is... Unimaginable.

I might need your support. No, someone's support soon. Supporting myself is like asking me to stand on a toe. In a sense...i'm breaking again. I can only wish i'm not born a weak person but no matter my efforts, my subconscious plays the upper hand. Everyday, it's a war. The smiles are real, but the tears no one sees are also real. I need a support. I thought i would be strong enough, i thought wrong. Slowly my 'mask' decays and crumbles until the cycle repeats. Scared...

Define madness. By experience...i hallucinate. I hear voices. My emotions are more than your mood swings...it feels like one second everything was fine, the next everything is gone. And in that instan, hours have really passed.

I'm tired of caring when i cant fend for myself anymore. I'll reach a point where i simply, really stop. And that's when if there really is no one... I don't know what might happen.

Only one chance

Only one chance.
"The glittery bright eyes of a 6 year old, the innocence of youth betrayed by his light laughter and reflected off his smoke blue pupils, set in a face of a sharp nose and vanilla-scented cheeks virgin of malice stained tears, looked up to a bent and reserved old man in his safari grey cap, eyes kept all his fiery passion, just dimmed by years of experience ,having turned into grooves of deep wrinkles clawing explicit words into his smooth, untouched tanned skin. A gentle warmth emanating from his very emarald eyes, showing all restraint to his knowledge and cunningness, yet fear spilling from a single scar trailing from his left eye to his right cheek, a story of a tale went wrong written in a single line to be kept there for as long as he would live to tell that tale...

The child spoke in utter brightness, 'Grandfather! Our teacher asked this in class today!' The man simply gave his sweetest smile. 'What is the meaning to life?'

"Why, that's a tough one son! Alright...let me explain alright kiddo!"

Trying to explain life to a kid is like trying to tell a monkey to solve a rubik's cube... You get the point. An hour, two, three and yet the child was puzzled. He couldn't understand the complexities, the corruption, the PAIN involved. The madness of a place man knew as the world. He knew pain, the kind that hurt him on the skin but not that which keeps a man up crying all night, yearning to regain all he has lost. Not the kind that would keep a woman wondering whether she was good enough.For to be born was a pain in itself, everything and every action would hurt someone else. This world was far too great, its greed so insatiable that even angels would sigh and Gods had no resolve for such a twisted world, let alone for a young mind to even begin to comprehend. Atlas against a mere grain of rice.

So instead this old man told the little boy. He bent down and whispered into his ear :" You know what Lennon? I'll leave it in a note, you'll understand it when you're old enough. Okay?" Okay!

The note was written, and the moment the final letter was penned grandfather had breathed his last. It was weird. The first time looking at my grandfather, and everybody was telling me he would not wake up again. I couldn't grasp this reality that my most favourite family was, gone. My mother hid and sealed it away in an intricate gold box on the attic to be discovered again... But i never understood why she was crying when she read the letter.

*Creeeeeakkk*

A yellowed parchment was placed on the table, crusted with age as the paper rots away but never a single word, for unfurling the paper revealed a handwriting of raven ink, set in the most beautiful of old English inscripted into the paper. One, single paragraph titled, "To my grandchild..."

"This will be years before you read, and maybe even begin to understand a single word in here. Tsk, you were such a young, fine kid... Alright. Now you're but a toddler with no idea of this world. Let me just tell you a little more, of what you will go through as you grow older and wiser alright lad? Middle school. You'll start having feelings, you think you've met the person that you will spend forever with. All that until that person tells you, its over. You'll have your first heartbreak. It's gonna hurt really bad, so you have to prepare yourself. You might even torture yourself to get that person back... You'll meet much action and drama, people talk behind your back, curse and swear but you choose to stand up or fall back. Long nights of decision, regret and worries, everything crashes down and you just have to cry. Don't worry, it's normal. I've been there too! Teachers and your parents will pressure you for academics, friends will for glam and fashion. You'll feel all alone like no one understands and everyone is looking at you with those eyes. Your emotions whirl you round when you see that special person, pain or joy.Then suddenly, you're out there fighting for a spot in life to survive. Everyday, you eat someone else and someone does it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, backstabbing is but the norm.Everybody just wants to live. Then it all leads up to retirement. You take life easy but your children may not choose to stay with you. It's their choice, no matter. Now you have all the wealth you need, and the most virtuous and patient woman by your side. Life is perfect... Until the last day. You are too weak to stand, to even sit up. Everybody is crying and you can't do a thing about it...your breaths are numbered, they get shallower and shallower, the world becomes a little dimmer more, and fades. It's like falling asleep...but only you never wake up again. I want you to live a life where people will see you go, smiling as they tear. For you were such a great man, ever flowing with goodness and kindness, and not remembered as the stingy of myself. Get that lad? Life will pass by you fast, you only have one, chance. Take that chance, and make the amendments of my lost time"

"Yes grandfather...now i understand what you meant so many decades ago..."
Lennon thought as he glanced at his son, playing with a toy plane in the corner, the same glitter in his eyes so many years ago.
"Now john...it will be your turn to read this soon"

Sigh.

The only people i feel fully comfortable...should i name? Guess not~ the cliques, and one special person. If you really want to know, ask just once. Don't keep asking...i'm already pretty weathered and beaten up by the series of crap that happened recently.

Thank god for these people. Aaron glenson weihan marcus yikang derrick kalynn leanne jiansheng and ali. Each and every person taught me something new, something good. Happy i know them, happy im close to them.

Workload is increasing like crazy. Sec 4 life is kinda fucked up i swear... So much expectations , so much problems started. I feel constricted and yeah...ever since things happened, i can't focus anymore. I'm losing appetite and sleep, making me irritable. I'm going to fall sick again.

I want to feel like being myself always. But thanks to...well idiots,i cant. Expectations, judgements and always being what they like to hear. I hate to have this happen but i have to make myself...truly solid. Devoid of emotions. Okay maybe not devoid, but enough to change me cruel. Think i was too easygoing, let people step all over me. Maybe its time i step up? Then again. I shouldn't be letting these small things affect me but i'm just...annoyed. Really badly annoyed. Over time things jist sorta gets on my nerves and...yeah. Breaking of friendship with 3 people took a toll on me. Still cant get over that...one at a time, no harm done but 3? A little too...
I shouldnt be swaying at all. Where is that hard stone faced creature you prided yourself so highly for? Now i'm breaking down everytime i see those people.
Jx
G
H
Haish. I hide the pain i feel inside with this smile, that even i fell into the lie and when i want to get out of it, it's seriously tough. Feels like i'm swimming upstream with my arms tied, and downstream is a plunge to the death. I'm really so tempted to call out to you again, talk to you again, hear your voice again. But no more. Mistakes made, regrets too late. I can't change the past, all that's left is to live without them, people i trusted among the most. Now even more bonds are breaking and i'm there...

Scared.

Playboy shall cease today.

Dead tired... Had a session with aaron, played basketball and yeah. Today was pretty good~ shall keep this short, post another later in the night.

Shouldn't be asking for your forgiveness. Was the one who wanted to leave for the best of you, now i kind of... Regret. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do? I don't know. Not just you. Lost two of my vlosest friends at the same time. Feels like i've lost a part of me, that i will never be able to confide in ever again. It was all my fault...when i see you in school i'm so tempted to call you out. But i have to restrain. Hate it so badly... Straining my body badly to vent out the anger. I'd rather physical pain than emotional, when my memory is my worse enemy. Every last detail of time spent with you i remember, every last sweetness a shred of sour i feel, every last moment a movie to re watch and never to relive. I should stop upholding this stupid nickname of mine. An really tired of it... Started as fun, and now it's such a burden. I want to be the kind to you know, romance is the top of my list, not the kind that plays for the fun of it. I'm sick of this nickname. I'm sick of fake-smiling. I'm sick of not being able to do things the way i want to because people will get in my way, question me when i do what i want, be that dork to the girl and taking care of her. I know people will question, so i decided to go on. Now secondary school's coming to an end, so will this name. To fully be myself wherever i am. But every time this kind of breakup pain hits me i change a little, a lot. I become someone else. Two weeks ago i was simply playful. Now i'm plain insulting... Not easy to settle my feelings on my own. This really is... Argh. I hoped for a girl that i love, to love me and stay with me whatever happens. And i threw her away just like that. For the sake of better, i have to, and i'll keep it that way, no matter the pain. Bottling things up and suppressing my emotions...i swear a breakdown is near. Guilt is mounting~

too tired. Shall continue later...naptime~

Hurts deep down an ecstatic pain.

Close your eyes. Think of one person. No name is being mentioned, but someone does appear right? That's probably the person you care for the most right now.
Now think of a situation where you are about to lose your life. Who comes to mind? This time, it probably is the people who you care for subconsciously.

When i close mine, it's filled with all the people i toyed with in the past. They all have the same, downcast expression. Empty eyes, a frown of pain. It makes me feel...i don't know. The guilt just stacks higher and higher with every person i manipulate, conscious or unconsciously. Urgh... I want to wipe the faces off these memories, but i know they will haunt me worse than now. So i keep them but the guilt slowly builds. And now, i want an escape route. No way out of my own head as these memories slowly close in on me, surrounding me, smothering me. Their pain flows out like poison, wisping the air and sparking into my body. Every strain another pain, every tear another fear. Layers of thinking and thoughts build. I used to be able to hold and switch between almost 15 layers. Now after the breakdown, only 6 with reduced focus. It's... Scary. When the rest of the layers are not controlled by me, or at least this me. Confused of my feelings when so many layers are moving about. All these people...no way i can do anything to atome for my mistake. They'll just hold a place of regret in my heart. Almost a hundred of them...

But when it comes to the scenario of death, only... My family, my brothers, and the closest friends come to mind. Thank God it is always just a number of people. I can't thank God more for these people. Even so...i feel like i'm more of a burden to them, like everything i do is going to bring more harm than good in the long run. I try and try but it's never enough. I fight all these while but it seems...it never was the right thing to do. What's the point...

All i think is, what did i do wrong? What right have i ever done? Sorry for ever hurting. I should have done this, i should have done that. Was what i did right? Then i realise. Every thing i do, is going to hurt someone. I can't please the world. Every step i take will kill another. This is the world we live in, where only the fittest survive.
Yet...i'm this weak.


Caring is all about doing things for a person, to make that person smile and all that's best for the person, to have a feeling of care for the person, right?

I wish it was that childish.

Here's the irony of people. Some love to leave, others leave to love. I got both. But only recently...i had to do the latter. I knew what would happened if we continued. I chose the harsher way... Regrets now, but better than regrets later.
Caring also means doing things to make someone happy. Even if it means leaving, walking away at their lowest, if it means they become better, i'll still do it. The end matters more than now...
Even if it means to nag. To argue. To give. To sacrifice. To let. Just giving is caring, but still...i feel like. No matter how much i try for others, people will never be satisfied. I already lost two people dear to me. I can't afford to lose anymore... Like how i was selfish. How i thought my way would work but instead, everything screwed up. Now i'm left here...torn. Broken. Lost.

Love is defined differently by every person. Another might find love in a perosn they care for. For me, it is to see that genuine smile of that person after she has gone through a tough time, to take care of the person emotionally. Till the end. My first marraige to be my only.
It is when i feel bliss with the person and not just comfort around. Bliss came to me only once. When i held her in my arms, and saw her smile and her feeling secure.That is what adults call puppy love. That's my definition of it. No real meaning, as long as it can give me bliss.


Feelings are really...messed up. Its not of time but now all i can want is that someone to be there for me. Maybe not physically, that'll be a bonus. Just that...someone. I don't know how i should be feeling. So many layers are overlapping. When is the last time someone said those words to me? When was the last time i felt secure and safe? When was really the time i felt... Like someone was my support? I've supported many, i've seen them recover and take better. I can't even help myself...Stress is going to build up. And knowing a little of psychology myself, a person will almost always look back on something he did not have in his yesteryears. Now i'm caving in.

People say, when you have no one to rely on, rely on yourself. Did that, been there, done that. Now even on myself i feel the strain.Now i wish...i could have someone i feel i love, and love me in return to support me. But the people whom it actually happened that i have true mutual feelings with, have already left. Last run...


Laugh at me, hate me, dislike me. In the end, i earn a spot in your mind, while you earn a spot somewhere in "wait for me to give a fuck"

Underneath that happy mask, is really...someone yearning for the attention of someone he cares for. Childish. But it's something i missed when i was much younger, when i was at the most critical part of my growing. Nobody to blame but myself. People say it's not my priority. But it's something i want unconsciously. So much like a kid right?

Simple. I just need you. To talk out my thoughts, to settle my thinking.