*Dream*
i was with aaron and jerald, as usual but in my room just talking normally. Remembered i had tuition to rush off to, i told them and got to the bathroom but on the way just outside my house, i actually saw ms amy and another teacher (=.= yeah) ms amy had white makeup on her face like a mask...then stopped me, i ignore and just gone into the toilet and slammed the door, a face of the joker appeared on the door and started hitting the damn thing with a toothbrush (i'm scared of clowns...) i seriously wanted to just curl into a ball and cry. He was shrieking and screaming for my head but instead, i actually opened the door and punch the dog in its face. And the other teacher hoisted me up with a stick...i just struggled and slipped off and the both just disappeared =.= look out my window, it's already midight 9 hours past my 'tuition' time... I was all alone. In the house. Caged in, behind the golden bars or my window frame with just the night flowing outside.
I'm rushed for time for the performance as hell, to the point i pushed my body into overdrive and got myself sick. Very very sick... High fever, flu, cough. Yeah you get the point...and scared ? Last night, i don't know what happened to me exactly but well, i sort of slipped into a weird state of mind . Remebered the fear i had when i was still fighting my own head~ even though i have no memory of last night anymore, the feelings are still there. Like fighting something you can't see~ scary as hell... I don't know. I'm pretty effed up already...well they say, everybody has this vestige of madness in them. I see mine takes that to a next level... It's pretty tough to be yourself in this world where looks are pertinent to likeability. Once, twice, i'm alright but it's like, disgusting. I've nothing to boast about in myself, just that i'm honestly dead tired of pleasing people and doing how they think i should be feeling, thinking, whatever. Numbed to it all... Been feeling like this the whole time. Stability...i'd rather have stability than have it broken by unstable emotions.
Big O's coming...its quite a journey indeed. So much to worry, so much to handle. That's not what's putting me down but rather the fact that it's tiring me out worse than i ever expected it to. I don't need another emotional ride, it'll maybe even break me down completely. Not being helped that i'm sick now...i get more emotional, more out of control. Any commitment i make feels like a burden, something slowing me down. Harsh but, i have to put much more down than i speculated. Don't know what to feel, how to feel, who i should feel to and who i should not. Don't teach me what to think, but how to think. Irritated, cranky? That's just me now as i am. Cannot even do basic exercises without my chest hurting~
but hey, on the bright side, tomorrow, the rest of the year, the rest of the years to come. Like just now, glenson aaron derrick zhong hern they tried to tie me up with tape! But yea...and the training with the FSD. Got my hands in both competitions in one way or another~ then there...tomorrow.Tomorrow's making me nervous. First time up there like that...but it's something i like to do ^^ been spending the last three months preparing for this 10 minutes and i'll pull off a perfect on my part. Hell yea! I'm nervous, hands shaking in excitement and smiling in anticipation. I love it.the rest of the year with the people in school, the rest of the years with everyone else. Looking forward to this whole journey, especially hoping for some things to come true. Some paths to intertwine, some to leave mine, some to be side by side and others to simply by my side. Just hoping that i can learn to express myself better than i ever did~ tomorrow. In the light...
Feel much better after ranting here. Time to get back to being silly as hell~^^
"We're so used to walking head down when hit by rainy times that we forget, not all storms have big dark clouds. Look up sometimes and you might just see, this rain actually has a clear sky"
We might be tied down by our problems but if just once, you think positively instead of letting the problem knock you down, the answer might just be right in your face...
