On this rainy night

I've realised that not everybody understands this pain. I find safety in anonymosity rather than letting people see and read me. A friend told me, bluff the world. I found... Some will only criticise me because of the sheltered life they lead. They find me stupid only to realise later...then choose to cry. I don't want anyone to become close to me, simply because i don't want to lose someone else anymore. I've watched so many turn their backs and walk away... All of them found someone better. All of them are leading and doing great now... Even from the day i could remember i already lost important people making me independant to them. Then i would gain someone else, and lose them again. Pain, and it kept hurting till all i feel inside is numb. Heh...if you asked me if i was feeling anything at all, i'd say i'm feeling nothing. Filled with only fear...I'd say only one girl could make me feel alive again, and now i'm just dead inside~ but i'm used to it already. So now, to those innocent and naive people(whether acting or not) i play them, so they'd get a little of how i felt. I rather be the one hurting them just a little to make them a little wiser, then have someone else kill them and take advantage of them just like how i was. If i have to hurt to protect, i will at all costs... That aside, all i can do now is that i will never let others see my true intention. Playing out mixed signals...letting people hear what they want to hear. I'm happy where i am...i might be alone but i want it that way...

Just now during training, emerson suddenly went off. He was pale and green in the face, and james was pretty effed up angry. I could only remember i exploded. Really went off, the first time i was so angry at anything or anyone. I blasted at ronghui for his training, blaming and blaming but realised...scolding would not help plus i over reacted. Argh... I hate situations like this. I want to care, then people say i care too much. Then when i do not care at all, i get scolded. Like what the heck do you want me to do? Argh... Frustrated at some people...all they know is to lie, to hide. To watch others hurt and waddle in pain. I've seen enough of these kind of people . Haish...i want to bring this kinda people down harsh...

Performance for chinese new year is over, preparing for the competition tomorrow. Really been so tired the last few weeks that i'm starting to sleep in class. 9 hours of sleep is not enough... Yeap. I placed too much time into all these and not enough rest so now i have to get all the rest i can soon... I got more moody, my thoughts are running free and my emotions are more uncontrolled. Hais i'm beginning to rant and starting to feel more negativity. Well...confidence might have deserted me for the time being, but that's it.

I dont want the burden of another person. Some don't get that if i am in a relationship i put huge priority on it. It stresses me the worst if i know i'm not treating the person right. I get insecure, well yeah...i want time to spend with the person. I want to take the person on for dates, really take care of the person. I'm not going to waste my time on someone only to have it fail later on, hurt myself, cry get over her and repeat. Once, twice i can hold and hopefully in that once or twice. I'll seriously continue if my instincts tell me it's worth the whole time with that person, if it is worth the pain to be with the person. If it is, i want to pamper the person and make sure she is never hurt in any ways...If i know i can't do those then i seriously get affected. Do or never. That's me...i'm an extremist to a masochist. Well too bad~ i over react. I nag like a grandmother. I really do become moody. It's just me... I cant do anything to change those especially. But still...i'm not worth much~ she's worth better, another she's worth better, oh she should be with him. Heh...used to life alone. Used to keeping things in. Used to fighting for myself and not for the title of 'Us'. I'm nowhere good enough to yet...